Recovering

What a miserable night. I ended up sleeping okay (I think from sheer exhaustion), but now I just feel like I've been hit by a bus. I have this image in my head of him and I as boxers or something, sitting in our separate corners during a fight break, bleeding, gasping for breath, utterly exhausted, and questioning whether both of us are in good enough shape to continue the fight. Not to be overly dramatic, ha. For my part, I will be staying away from him. I am not particularly angry. I am just tired of having the same fights over and over again. I am tired of feeling like I don't matter.

I know that I can't avoid him forever--we do live next door to each other, and there are three months left here--but I am not sure yet what I will say to him when I see him. I need to collect my thoughts. I don't think that it can all just go away this time with a couple of mutual apologies, some tears, and a hug. If I don't really deal with this, these fights will keep happening.

If I tell him that I can't do this anymore, that will be the final word on it. He will not fight me on it, because he will feel that he has no right to. He knows that he is the one who is willing to let our "relationship" go at the end of the year, and he will not think it is fair for him to fight for it now, when he knows that he will stop fighting for it when the summer ends. I know him well enough to know that. If I tell him I am done with this, he will accept it, and I will not be able to take it back. It will be over.

I need to think about this carefully. I need to make a rational decision. I can't help but think of the time many months ago when we tried to scale things back to "just friends." It only lasted a couple of days, but it was miserable. But things have changed since then. Really, though, I know that if I call it off, I cannot see him all the time like I do now. It is just so unnatural. I will need time to myself to heal. How do I let go of someone who I love? It is the right thing to do--isn't it? I guess I just need to spend some time alone for now.