Back Down

I'm feeling a little blue. Most of the time, I am very open and affectionate with him. It feels great, and natural, because I love him. It is wonderful to express that to him (even if I never do it with words). But sometimes--like now--I don't want to touch him, or smile at him, or even be in the same room as him.

Tonight, him and I watched the Bachelor finale (yes, I know--terrible TV is addictive). Before it ended, both women were talking about how much they felt for Matt (the Bachelor), but they were also saying that the possibility of losing him made it difficult for them to fully express their feelings to him. Watching them go through that, I could completely feel their pain. But, the difference is, that I KNOW I am going to lose the man that I love. He is not in this for keeps. Both of the women on the Bachelor had the chance of getting a commitment out of the man they loved. I don't even have that. I know that that is a strange comparison to make, but that is what set off my current mood.

I am also becoming a little wary of going on this trip with him. It will be strange to meet his family. He asked if I was nervous. I am a little nervous, but not as nervous as I would be if I was meeting my BOYFRIEND's parents. More than anything, meeting them is just one more reminder that I am not his and he is not mine. There is nothing at stake with this meeting, because we are not dating and there is no potential for longterm commitment. I wish that I had more to be nervous about.