More Crazy Ranting

I went to his apartment after I wrote my last post and told him a lot of what I wrote there. I am so sick of keeping things inside. I was calm, did not raise my voice, and I felt that I spoke to him about it rationally. He basically said that he didn't want to talk about it tonight and that he just wanted to watch a movie. He never fucking wants to talk. So I said okay, and left, calmly. He didn't come after me. He never does. HE NEVER WANTS TO TALK ABOUT IT. He just wants to ignore any complications of this situation. I didn't accuse him of anything, I didn't take a nasty tone, I didn't raise my voice, I didn't lose my cool. I just calmly apologized for being in a mood earlier, and explained to him why I was upset. Then he took a nasty tone with me and said that he just wanted to watch James Bond.

Wow, nice to know that I am being brushed off for such a complex and unpredictable movie. Seriously, with the exception of the newest one, THEY ARE ALL EXACTLY THE SAME: James Bond gets a mission to retrieve something stolen, or prevent something from being stolen, or prevent the destruction of the world. A beautiful woman enters the picture. They head off to thwart the evil scheme of the bad guy together (or HE sets off to thwart the evil villain, and she insists on coming, eventually saving his ass at some crucial point in the movie). At some point her loyalty comes into question. It turns out she IS on James's side. They defeat the (Soviet) villain and save the day. James and the female finally fuck, because, of course, she has been playing hard-to-get through the whole movie. The end. Okay, minor side rant. It is not really James Bond that I am upset about. I can't really hate on anyone's movie choices when I enjoy the Wedding Planner over and over again. I know it is terrible, but for some reason I cannot see it enough.

I am upset because it just occurred to me that we have never actually had a conversation about this situation. It is always me telling him what I am upset about and him trying to get the hell out of the conversation as quickly as possible. Even when he is slightly more responsive than he was tonight, he says just enough to make the conversation end and not a word more. I think that that is why I try to bring these conversations to him way too often. I just want to have a REAL talk with him about all of this. Not a one-sided talk, where I let everything out, he says a few apologetic and/or artificially comforting words, and then we move on. It just occurred to me NOW that that is what has been happening. He has been bouncing out of these conversations as fast as he possibly can. What has he actually said? "I care about you," "I am sorry that you are upset," "It just hasn't hit me yet." It is all so generic. He has been so skillful at avoiding these conversations, that I did not even realize he was avoiding them.

Maybe I really shouldn't go on the trip next weekend. Maybe we need the time apart. His parents bought us tickets to an event, but I could pay them for the ticket. They might still think it is rude to back out so late , but like I said before, I guess it really doesn't matter what they think of me. Maybe I need time to myself more than I need to be polite.

What am I doing, really? Every day I have these meltdowns and go in the same mental circles. Then I go to sleep, and wake up the next morning feeling like I must have overreacted--that it is a new day and I should just be content with the situation and forget about the parts that upset me. Then the cycle starts over. Doing the same thing over and over again with the expectation of different results... isn't that the definition of INSANITY? I need to learn how to hold on to this anger and indignation overnight. That way I will not want to see him the next day, which will cut the cycle off. But I always wake up feeling different.

Maybe these are just delirious, 1AM, I am having a bad day (as evidenced by the fact that this is my fourth posting) rantings. Thank goodness I have this place to let everything out. This is the only thing keeping me marginally sane in real life. I just need to get some sleep. I am sure that come morning, I will feel like I blew everything out of proportion tonight. I miss having people to talk to about stuff like this. People to set me straight, and give me a sane perspective on things. My best friend from college always did that for me. Now she is so busy (in law school), that I hardly ever get to talk to her. She said that she will call me soon--but when she does I don't want to go on and on about this crap the whole time. And I've tried to talk to him about it, and he clearly doesn't really want to talk. I have no one to let this out to. As pathetic as it might sound, this blog is the only place I can turn right now. And I actually feel a little better. It really does help to write it out. I guess I should get some sleep. We'll see how I feel in the morning.