Oh, Who Cares

I accomplished some of the items on my list. Groceries, cleaning, coming up with a paper topic. I did not email my professor or read (at all). Instead, I am drinking beer and getting ready to watch Top Chef. One of the few mindless shows that has not ended yet. I am so responsible.

I watched the final Flavor of Love 3 today--the reunion show. Flavor of Love 3 may be the trashiest and worst reality television show ever made. But I watched every episode. And I have to say, I got quite upset at the end of the reunion special. Flav surprised everyone by ditching the show winner (Thing 2--who I was rooting for all along) and proposing to his baby's mother. First of all, this woman was apparently pregnant with Flav's baby WHILE he was on this reality show to find "love." Second, he just ditches poor Thing 2 (who, believe it or not, actually seemed to care about him) on TV and the PROPOSED to his baby's mother. WOW. I know that it was probably staged to an extent, but really, talk about adding insult to injury. I know that it is terrible television. I know that I should not care at all. But, truthfully? I was annoyed. It was just trashy of him. Trashy, trashy, trashy. He is going to realize that he made a mistake. He ditched the one girl who will probably ever actually care about him. Lame.

Maybe I am projecting here. Honestly, the first thought it my head was "typical fickle MAN." Yes, I have turned into a man-hater. Flav, last year's Bachelor (he was BAD), and any other man who can't make up his DAMN mind--better get yourselves athletic cups, because I am just waiting for an excuse...

But, seriously, is it a guy thing? This whole, "I don't know what I want... wait, maybe I do... no... I don't." They aren't all like that, I know, but doesn't it seem like more guys are like that than women? Or maybe my current situation is skewing my perspective a bit. My last boyfriend, M, was not like that at all. In fact, he was just the opposite. We were together for a year and a half, and he never wavered ONCE. He wanted to be with me, he treated me well, he was smart, motivated, kind, and completely devoted. Why wasn't that enough for me? I guess it was because there were no sparks. None. I cared for him deeply, but there was zero excitement. Even in the beginning, I think I knew deep down that I could not stay with him forever. I need sparks. I need the kind of love that comes with sparks.

So, can you choose who you love? I loved M, but in the way that I love my friends, or members of my family. Just a deep affection. I wanted him to be happy, but I didn't feel passionately about him. I have only loved D and HIM passionately. And neither of them were/are good for me. They are both flaky, unreliable, wishy-washy men. They are both good men. Smart, motivated, kind men--but not solid, reliable, or willing to commit. They are a lot alike. So why them? Why did I fall in love with them? Did I choose it, or did it just happen? Is that just my type? Can I change my type? I mean, I knew that it wasn't right to stay with M, because I didn't FEEL it the way that I needed to. But HIM... I would turn my life upside down for him. Do I just crave the conflict?

Rrrrrr. I frustrate myself. If I put half as much energy into other things as I do into this, I would be done with all of my coursework, have a job lined up for next year, and would probably have a clean apartment, a perfect body, and a solution to world hunger. It is like I'm in a bubble, where this is the only thing that exists. I do this to myself. I may or may not be able to change who I love, but I can change how I handle it. I just still haven't figured out how. It is so much easier said than done.