Mission Accomplished

I told him everything. I told him that I am in love with him and that if it was up to me I would try to fight for this. I told him how it bothers me that he is so willing to throw this away. I didn't say that I would move for him after this summer, but I may have implied it (it seemed like too much to spill out in one sitting). I got a lot off of my chest. His reaction was... more of a non-reaction. He already knew most of what I was finally putting into words. I told him that I don't want our situation to change (at least not for the worse) and he said he didn't either. We went to sleep shortly after the conversation. I don't know yet if he is acting strange. He claims that he won't. I am glad that I said it all, but I really hope he will act normal around me.

So that is that. I poured my heart out. There is nothing else I can do. He heard everything that I have to say and is still content with things the way they are. And I guess that is okay. I want him to be happy. Before the conversation, I told him that I was upset about our situation sometimes, and about the fact that the year will end soon. He said that it bothers him too, but that things don't hit him until they happen. By then it will be too late. But I can't make decisions for him. If he wants to be rational, and keep a wall up, that is his deal. I can tell him that I think it is a mistake until I am blue in the face. In reality, it is his mistake to make.

I feel relieved, but also a little embarrassed and dejected. I am sure that in the long run I will be happy that I told him rather than constantly holding back. I don't want to see him today--not because I am mad--it is hard to explain why... I feel that he takes my presence for granted. Not completely or on purpose, but it still bothers me. He expects all of the perks of a relationship with none of the long-term commitment. I don't know if I can give him that to him all the time anymore. I feel a little deflated and cold. Keeping all of that in for so long has been hard. Now that it is out, I feel a release, but also an emptiness. There is nothing left for me to say or do. I played my last card. But at least I know that there is no way this is going past August. Now I can build my walls and prepare for the worst.