Done

I cannot handle this anymore. We had the biggest fight we have ever had. I went over there after awhile and we smoothed things over about how the night had gone up to that point. After sitting around for an hour or two and talking/joking, I suggested sex. He said no and then immediately, out of nowhere, asked me to leave him alone for the evening. It blindsided me. I snapped. I have no idea what ticked him off to the point where he wanted me to leave (considering we had smoothed everything over from our issues earlier in the evening), but I was not happy to hear him say that. Nothing pisses me off more than when someone completely changes demeanor and refuses to offer an explanation or talk about what the hell pissed them off. I really could not understand what had happened. I just went ballistic on him. I yelled, he yelled. I said that he can have the whole damn weekend, or the whole WEEK, to himself. I just completely lost it. I cannot remember the last time I was that angry. After a good amount of yelling, and hurling accusations at him about our whole "relationship" (EVERYTHING that has been pissing me off or hurting me just poured out in the most offensive and least articulate manner imaginable), I left. I am not proud of the way I behaved--yelling is not the best way to communicate--but I just reached my breaking point.

I am just DONE. Completely spent. I don't think I have anything left. I don't think I can fix it this time. I don't think I want to. This is just so fucking toxic. I need to get out of this building. My mind has been going for the past half hour (since I got back to my apartment) and I have actually thought about checking into a hotel for tomorrow night. I don't think I can stand to be next door to him right now. This is just completely ludicrous. I am in a fake, dead-end relationship. We are both being pushed to our breaking point. My emotions are out of control. I snap at him almost every day now. The fact that the end is creeping up is turning me into a psycho. I don't like myself anymore. It has gotten to the point where this "relationship" brings out the worst in me. I am absolutely self-destructing and taking him down with me.

He said that he knows I am going to "punish" him for tonight--but it is not even a matter of me being mad at him or anything like that at this point. This just is not good for me. He is not good for me. I need to get out of this building tomorrow. Go find somewhere else to do work, at least for the better part of the day. I cannot be around him tomorrow. Not because I am angry, but because I am SO damn tired. My brain, my heart, my body. I am just completely drained.

He is never going to want to be with me. Period. I don't know why that is just now finally sinking in. This is going nowhere good. I am going to keep hurting and fighting and picking at this until it is over. That is not fair to either of us. I am not going to knock on his door. I am not going to try to smooth things over with him. I am past that point. I am broken, empty, and exhausted.