Shit Hits the Fan (Again)

After I posted last night things went from bad to worse. He came over here. The pizza came. We ate and watched TV. He noticed that I was being quiet and suggested I go to bed. I told him I wasn't tired. He figured out the HE was the reason I was being quiet, and left pretty suddenly. I went over to his apartment to talk it out.

Everything that I may have been holding back in the first conversation came out. I told him that it has already hit me that we only have a couple of months left, and that I realize things don't hit him until they happen, but that I am already sad. I told him that it made me mad that he didn't even THINK about how I might fit into his life after this. He said that he cares about me just as much as I care about him, but that he is not ready for that (I guess that kind of commitment). I told him that after this summer, I just want to be where he is. He said he will be moving around a lot, and that maybe things would work out in the future. Once we had exhausted ourselves, and there was nothing left to say, I left. I went to sleep wondering if in the morning, completely sober, I would regret the conversation. I don't.

I'm not really angry at him. I don't know what I feel. I feel trapped. I wish there was somewhere I could go to get away from this. I am sure that he will not knock on my door at all today, with the idea of giving me space. I feel like I can't be in this building. I don't want to be able to hear his door open and close. I don't want to hear his toilet flush, or his fridge clunk (I can hear both through the wall). I don't want to know if he is home or out. Even without seeing him, that is too close.

He said that I don't have to go on the trip next weekend if I don't want to anymore. I don't know yet. I don't know how much last night changed for me, or for him. I don't know what this means for us. I don't know if I can continue spending all of my time with someone who I know I am going to lose in August--and someone who is willing to lose me without even a second thought. Maybe this isn't enough for me anymore. Maybe to be fair to both of us, I should end this.

I am so tired, but I woke up and couldn't get back to sleep. I have plenty of reading to do today. I don't know what to do anymore.