Trying to Stay Angry

That seems like a weird and petty thing to say, but it is more constructive for me than forgetting why I was upset last night. I just heard him leave for work (oh the joy of living next door to him), and of course he didn't stop in here. Which I guess he wouldn't, since he is running late (as usual). I hate that I know all of this--where he is going, when he is supposed to be there, when he actually leaves. Living next door to him turns me into a stalker, even if I don't intend to be. I also know that he does not have class today, but might meet up with C's boyfriend, J, to play frisbee. I have class from 1:30-3. Then I should come home and do homework.

You know, it really sucks having a studio apartment. I have one living room/bedroom, a little bathroom, and the tiniest kitchen in the world. I feel so confined. Our building has no common area. I also don't necessarily want to go read at Starbucks or campus or anywhere else. I need a quiet space to do work. I just wish that I had one more room, to switch it up a little. It feels like a short story I read in high school--The Yellow Wallpaper--where this woman is confined to a room (she is sick) that has busy, yellow wallpaper. Through the story, she goes slowly insane and starts to think that the wallpaper is coming to life. The end is really weird. Thank goodness I have white walls...

So, in short, I really don't want to be here from 3PM until bedtime, but I don't have too many other options. My friends are all busy with "almost the end of the term" work. No one has time to hang out. I don't want to see him, but if he knocks on my door I don't have many choices. I can answer, or not answer. I know that if I answer, he will say whatever he has to say to smooth things over and I will let everything go. If I don't answer, he will still know that I am home, which makes that a really passive aggressive move on my part. If he doesn't knock at all, I guess it is a moot point. Of course I don't want that either. I want him to want to apologize, whether I want to answer the door or not. Making mountains out of molehills, as usual.

At least tonight is a good mindless television night. Terrible shows abound! Flavor of Love 3 wraps up tonight (although he usually watches that with me...), the Bachelorette premiers (horrible and mindless), Medium is on (I usually end up watching it online later in the week--not mindless enough for a Monday), and... oh... sad... the Hills ended last week. I just realized that. Oh well. I guess Flavor of Love 3 and the Bachelorette are enough to rot my brain. Maybe the Hills would have been overkill anyways.

Shower, class, read, try to stay sane.