Disappointment

Today started out much better with him. When he came back from class, he actually did initiate something physical, then we hung out and ate dinner. Eventually he had to go read. After a couple of hours I went to his apartment to say hi, and he was just finishing his reading. So he popped in a DVD and we settled in to watch it. Everything was great, until he took out the damn pot again. My heart just sank. We had had such a nice day, and I was so looking forward to laying and watching a DVD with him and talking, and then going to sleep. That just ruined it for me. Instead of laying next to him, I was laying next to the stoned zombie. So, as has been my pattern lately, I talked to him about it. He said that he was sorry, that he has been smoking it too often, and he apologized for not living up to what he said yesterday about "rectifying the situation." He told me that spending time with me is important to him, and that he was sorry that he hurt my feelings. He gave me the pot he had left and told me to keep it in my apartment until the end of the term. He promised that tomorrow would be different.

It seems so stupid that I am upset over this, but I just feel disappointed, and hurt, and passed over. Like he would rather smoke pot than spend time with me. I don't need him to NEVER do it. Just not night, after night, after night... Maybe I am being hypersensitive right now (it is just about that time of the month, and I am pretty stressed about classes), but he just keeps finding new ways to hurt me. I know that that is not his goal--he just really doesn't think much about people other than himself. He is a good man, but right now he is very self-involved. Clearly, I am too.

I complain far too much. I know that at the end of the day, I am very lucky to have the life that I have. I have loving, supportive parents, and a wonderful brother, who is not only my brother, but also my friend. I have the opportunity to be in graduate school. I have an open road ahead of me. I can move wherever I want, and search out a job, or try for more school, or do whatever else I want. I know that I am so lucky to have all of those things. I really do appreciate them. But isn't it often much easier to focus on the bad things, no matter how small they are? The bad stuff always comes to the forefront.

This is going to make me sound strange, but sometimes, when I need to put my problems into perspective and remind myself of all of the good things in my life, I seek out really sad things. Sad movies, sad books, sad news stories, sad facebook groups... anything that reminds me how great my life is. I certainly don't take joy in other people's sadness. In fact, I usually end up crying, or feeling low for quite some time afterward. But it reminds me that my problems are so incredibly small compared to what some people have to face. It reminds me to be grateful.

Today, I read two stories that just ripped me up. One was about a single mother in California who lost both of her children within a couple of days of each other. Her daughter and her daughter's boyfriend were stabbed to death in her home while she slept, and her son was fatally injured in a car accident while he was rushing home after hearing of his sister's death (he died a couple of days later). The mother was the one who found the bodies of her daughter and the boyfriend. On Mother's Day. The same day that the car crash happened. Truly horrifying. I cannot imagine what that poor woman is going through.

The other is a story that I have been following for some time. I went to the same college as the daughter of the victims (although I did not know her well at all), and heard about it when it first happened for that reason. Three years ago, a high school junior shot and killed his parents with a shotgun, and then hid their bodies in their house and proceeded to go to his junior prom. The girl that I went to college with is his sister. The young man was just sentenced for the murders (20-25 years for each murder), and his sister, half-brother, and aunt made statements at the sentencing hearing. I watched the video of those statements today, and it was just so sad. The sister's statement hit me the hardest (maybe because I remember her seeming so strong and composed on campus after the murders). Hearing her words made me realize that I don't tell my own parents often enough how much they mean to me. I should fix that. I will.

My heart aches for the woman who lost her children, and for the children who lost their parents in those stories. It was definitely a very sobering reality check. I know that I will continue to get caught up in my daily dramas, and I know that I will continue to expend a lot of emotional energy on things that will probably not matter ten years from now, but sometimes it is important for me to step back and realize that I am damn lucky to have the life that I have.