Day 3, Part 2

The wait is on. His conference ended at 4:30. Assuming that he has to stick around and help clean up, he may be home in an hour or so. If he hadn't asked me to watch a movie with him "this afternoon," I would have expected that he would stay out late with his out-of-town friends again. Since he asked me that though, it seems that he is not planning on going out. But that doesn't mean he won't. In fact, I would put money on him letting me down again. I wish that he wouldn't make tentative plans with me like that. He should know himself better than that. And he knows that it bothers me. I was too groggy to ask anything at the time like, "So you are not going out again tonight?" If I had been more awake, I would have.

So I am sitting in my apartment, waiting for him to disappoint me. In a larger sense, I am also waiting for the "disappointment" that pushes me over the edge. With D, there was a moment--a final letdown--that snapped me out of my feelings for him. It took ten years, but something in my brain finally switched off. The straw that broke the camel's back. I wish that that would happen sooner rather than later in my current situation. I can't do TEN YEARS again. Although, I guess my experience with D proves that I can take a lot of crap from someone who I am in love with. Too much. I wish I could change that. But my love for HIM is so strong. I am so happy to see him when he actually turns up, that it is hard for me to stay angry. I don't think that he realizes how much it hurts me when he makes vague plans with me and then disappears.
I am all for him spending as much time as possible with his friends before they leave the city. It just comes back the the same old complaint: Don't tell me one thing, then do another. I can't take the disappointment. It is as simple as sending a text and saying: "change of plans, going to the bar with my buddies." That is all I would need.

Maybe he will surprise me this time, and actually come home and watch the movie with me. I guess I always hold onto that little piece of hope that maybe this time will be different. Maybe that little bit of hope is what makes it so painful when he doesn't come through.