More

I thought that I got it out of my system. Nope. More ranting to do.

I have no idea what I am doing after this summer. NO idea. I have always been a planner. It scares the crap out of me that I don't know what I will be doing next year, or where I will be doing it. My Mom keeps asking me about it. Not to purposely add to my anxiety--but that is the result. I think I am literally making myself sick over all of this: him, the MA thesis, the future. Last night I had the WORST stomach ache. It was hard to even sleep. I feel like I have a headache half of the time now. Why did I think that it was a good idea to go to graduate school straight from undergrad? As for applying to PhD programs next year--I just don't know if I am cut out for it.

I am afraid that my parents will be disappointed. From the age of... 12?... I have been telling them that I want to get a doctorate in history (obviously, I was a very cool kid), and now I feel like I have been charging down that path ever since, without much thought. I enjoy my classes. I even enjoy writing the papers at times. But the pressure of publishing, teaching, giving papers at conferences? I don't think I can do it. This is who I have been for so long, that I really don't know what else to be. I feel like it is too late to pursue other interests. My other interests all feel rather juvenile anyways. I love movies--I would love to do something with movies. But I don't know how. I love cooking. But I don't know how to do what it takes to make that work. All I know is history. I have worked hard at it for years now. I don't know how to be anything else.
A lot of the time, I feel like I would actually be happiest as a wife and stay-at-home mom. I never thought I would want that. It almost feels like a betrayal to want that. My mother and father both worked full time when my brother and I were young. I know that it was largely out of necessity, but I also think that it is a point of pride--for my mother in particular--that they were able to balance family and work. She always felt judged by the stay-at-home moms in our neighborhood. When it comes down to it, I know that my parents just want me to be happy. I just don't know how to get to a place where I will be happy.

I wish that this was a two year program. It would give me more time to think. But the year is quickly coming to a close, and I have spent too much time NOT thinking about the future. I have not attended career seminars, or looked seriously for jobs. And that is my fault. I just feel stuck. I am scared. The only thing that I KNOW I want is him--and I am going to lose him. So nothing is certain in my future. I feel like I have already failed, but not putting forth the effort to figure things out. I just want to run away.

When I was a teenager, I used to write short stories a lot. Or beginnings of short stories--I usually did not finish them. I used to start the same story, over and over again. It was about me waking up in the middle of the night and leaving. Not taking anything with me. Just disappearing to start fresh somewhere without telling anyone where I was going. It was comforting. It is still a nice thought.