Circles

I saw K, brought her cupcakes and flowers. He and I read for a bit in my apartment. Now I am reading here by myself.

I still accept this situation, but I am backsliding a little bit in terms of my emotional state. The one word that sums up how I am feeling? Disappointed. Why can't I fall in love with someone who wants to be with me? First D, and now him. Remarkably similar stories. I fall in love, they claim to love me too, the timing is bad, I want to find a way to make it work anyways, they want to let it go. And just like D, he will meet someone else soon after we part ways who he is willing to commit to. I don't think that I buy his "I feel the same way about you as you do about me" line. If he did, the August end date would be a bigger issue for him. I have accepted the fact that this has to end, but I don't appreciate his little "but I actually do love you" charade.

He also has a bad case of "selfish." About everything. We always eat at my house, leaving me the clean-up. He wants to take breaks from work when he wants to, never when I do. And sex... yeah... only when he suggests it. It seems like he is never in the mood when I try to initiate it. Everything happens on his terms. He will do things that I want to do, if I twist his arm enough. And I hate doing that. I hate feeling like I am being demanding. I have started to assert myself more. I am trying. I will tell him that he needs to help with the dishes, or that he needs to go to the store and buy dinner, or that I will go rent the movies if he promises to return them.

So, basically, I have accepted the fact that this thing has to end in August, but I still have issues with the way our relationship works. I know that I need to tell him when things are bothering me, and actually work with him to fix them. I will start doing that more. But in the back of my mind, there is always a little voice saying, "what is the point in working to make this relationship better?--he is not in it for the long haul." Maybe that is what he figures too.

It seems like I am slipping into self-pity mode. I need to remind myself that I am in this "relationship" by choice. That I am in control of my own actions. That if I don't like how this relationship works, or the fact that he is okay with it ending in August, I need to get out of it, rather than continuously obsessing over it and complaining about it (when I should be doing homework). This occupies far too much of my time. I know that I am being irrational. I have known it for a very long time. But this has been going on for so long now (almost a year--wow), that I don't know how to give it up. And regardless of how much I complain about this and about him, I cannot help the fact that I love him. There is so much about him that I love. It may seem like it is all bad (I guess that is what happens when I only write when I am in bad moods), but it isn't. There are so many moments with him that I would not want to give up. I just hate knowing that it is going to end. I wish I didn't know. It makes me angry, and cranky. It makes me snap at him at least twice a week. I don't like the way this situation makes me feel and act sometimes.

And meeting his parents (and his sister)... We are spending Friday evening to Monday morning with them. What must they think of me? They know that him and I are "friends with benefits." They probably also know that that is what he wants, rather than what I want. They must think that I am a gullible, weak slut. But I guess it doesn't matter what they think of me. This will probably be the only time I ever see them. Although... confession... a small part of me thinks that if they really really like me, he will change his mind and want to be with me. I know that it won't happen, but it is a nice little fantasy that I have in the back of my mind while I fall asleep at night. Parents' opinions of significant others can be pretty important. A small, unrealistic, part of me thinks that if I make a great impression, his barriers will crumble, and he will open himself up to the possibility of US. I know that that is not a healthy fantasy. False hope is never good in these situations. I guess I just need to get the squashing of said fantasy done and over with. Five days away.

Maybe I will watch Desperate Housewives tonight while I eat my breakfast. I usually watch it online sometime later in the week, since Sunday's are usually "catch up on reading" days. But maybe I need the mindless entertainment tonight. We'll see.