The Calm After the Storm

Things are okay (for now). He came back with dinner for me (food always helps), and I told him that I wanted to talk to him. He asked if he could go first. He apologized for being nasty to me the night before, and explained that this whole situation is just getting very intense and that he doesn't know what to say anymore. He said that the sex thing (him not seeming to want it), is his way of trying to protect himself--his way of dealing with this situation. I brought up a lot of what I wrote yesterday and the day before. We talked a little longer. He said that the conversations are so hard for him because there is nothing that he can say to make me feel better. He said that he thinks the only thing that I want to hear is, "Let's be together and make it work across the country next year." I assured him that I did not expect to hear that from him, but that I just need him to listen and respond honestly when we talk. He agreed to be more engaged in conversations when we have them, and I agreed to try not to bring them to him so often. He said that he is going to stop pulling away from my physically and verbally.

Fairly successful conversation. I do feel better. But, the part where he said that he thought I wanted him to say, "Let's be together and make it work across the country next year," bothered me a little. I was never saying that we should do long distance. I've done long distance before, and I don't think I would want to do it again. When he said that, I realized that I did not get my point across to him that I would go with him next year (wherever he goes). Which makes sense, since I never actually TOLD him that. I just implied it. Or I thought I did. I realized that I am more afraid to tell him that than I was to tell him that I love him. It just sounds so extreme. I am afraid that it will freak him out if I tell him that. I will think about it.

Later, after dinner and mindless TV (Flav chose the right girl!!!), I went to his apartment with him to watch some Arrested Development DVD's. I was happy and ready to have a drama-free night with him, when he pulls out.... the pot. That put me right back into a crappy mood. I wanted to spend time with HIM, not with the stoned zombie that replaces him when he smokes. Seriously. Can't he save it for nights when I'm not there? Or, if that is an unreasonable request, at least not do it several nights in a row? So, since I've become quite good at being vocal with him about crap that bothers me, I told him. I said that I was looking forward to spending time with him, and that I feel alone when he does that. I also said that if anything physical is going to happen between us, it is on him to initiate it (eh, why not kill two complaints in one conversation). He said that he understood, and would rectify the situation. So, we will see what happens. This communication thing seems to work much better than silently fuming about things that bother me.

He asked me several times yesterday if I was still going to go on the trip with him this weekend. I told him that I definitely had moments over the past few days when I thought about staying home, but that I would go. I guess I am really committed to going now. It should be an interesting weekend--and a hectic week. I have so much work to get done before we go. I guess I should start reading after class today instead of watching Medium online, which I will be tempted to do. Need to work, need to work, need to work...