A New Approach?

Today I will try to be more productive. I do not handle stress well. It pretty much paralyzes me. Lately, my mother is stressing me out. She keeps asking me what I am doing next year, and when I am leaving Chicago, and if she and my dad should come out and help me move. NO, I don't know what I am doing next year, I don't know exactly when I am leaving, and you don't have to help me move if you don't want to. She is also supportive of my indecisiveness though. She says that it is okay that I don't know what I want to do yet. But I can tell she is nervous for me. I just wish she would stop asking those questions. I know that she loves me and is concerned, but I am old enough to deal with my own lack of direction.

I may have figured out something about this situation with HIM. I need to start distancing myself from him when everything is good. I only shut him out when things are bad--when we've had a fight. That never works for me long-term, because I can't stand to leave conflict unresolved. I have done that in the past, and it has never worked out well. I learned from those mistakes.

Case in point: My best friend from high school (E) and I haven't spoken in 6 years. The fight we had was so stupid. I cannot believe that it tore us apart like it did. E and I both had crappy boyfriends during our senior year of high school. Both borderline abusive. Both of us would tell the other one that she deserved better, but neither of us would take our own advice. I finally got out of my crappy relationship (with the stalker), but he would not leave me alone. He tried to get to me any way he could, including through E. After S (the stalker) and I broke up, I started hanging out with D (yes, love #1). S found out and freaked out and kept calling E to ask her about it. Needless to say, E got rather annoyed with S's constant calls and questions. In addition to that annoyance, she was still with her shady boyfriend. I could not control what S did, but I did ask him (firmly) to leave her out of things. One morning in homeroom, E freaked out at me about the fact that S kept calling her. I said I was sorry, but I had asked him to stop and didn't know what else to do (especially since we weren't together anymore). I said that I didn't want to talk about it then and there, it just didn't seem like the time or place to have a heated discussion. That is the last time we spoke. We both went silent, and somehow the silence stretched over days, weeks, months, and years. Halfway through my freshman year of college, I mailed her a letter (I was too nervous to call), apologizing for my part in letting things get out of hand and asking her to call me, write me, email me... I never heard back. We have mutual friends, but it seems like every time there is supposed to be a group get-together over a holiday, something mucks it up. Last time, I had a stomach virus and couldn't go. It is probably too late to fix things now anyways. But I still miss her. I still regret letting things remain silent for even a day after our confrontation in homeroom. I should have fixed it while I had the chance.

So, I cannot let things go when there is conflict. I have to fix them right away. When him and I have a fight, my instinct is to fix it--which means that avoiding him while I am angry is not going to work for me. I need to avoid him when things are good. When I am happy. That is probably more effective all around. I feel pretty good today, so maybe I will give it a try. I just hope he doesn't piss me off anytime soon.