Swamped

Being away for four days definitely put me behind in homework. I have a paper due tomorrow (yikes), a final and final paper (which I don't yet have a topic for) to get going on, and more reading than I can possibly finish. Not to mention that pesky little MA thesis. Overwhelmed. That is the only word that works here. One thing at a time I guess.

He made the fatal mistake of coming back to my apartment last night, shortly after I posted on here. I snapped AND sobbed. He felt bad that his parents had said things like, "we hope you come next year." I really thought that they understood our situation, but I guess he hasn't told them as much as I thought he did. Aside from that part of the discussion, we pretty much went in the same circles that we always do. He did come out with this new one: "I know you're upset that you're not my girlfriend, but you are my best friend, and that means more." He also repeated his claim that he is not upset about this ending now (like I clearly am), because things don't hit him until they happen. It will become real for him when we leave. Yippee.

After that, we had another squabble about the pot. He didn't end up smoking, although I did eventually back down, calm down, and apologize for making such a big deal out of it. I won't get upset about it again. I need to pick my battles.

I honestly don't know what I'm doing anymore. I have the same fights with him at least twice a week. He will never change his mind about parting ways when the year ends. I still haven't floated the idea of going with him wherever he goes, but I don't think I will. If he said no to that, then I know that it really IS me--it is not just the circumstances, it is not just him being focused on his academics and career. That would mean that even without the complications, he would not want to be with me. Maybe it is better to leave it alone. We will both be busy this week catching up on work. I just wish I could actually stay away from him.

I am still SO tired, even though I got at least 9 hours of sleep last night. One class today, then I have to tackle that paper. Today is going to suck. But at least I will be busy, and hopefully not thinking about all of this shit like I usually am. I just need to accept the situation for what it is. To a certain extent, I have--but somehow I can't help looking for some magic something that will change his mind about everything. I really need to cut that out.