Day 2

Time for the full story I guess. K called me last night, and we went to the bar to get a drink. I told her about Saturday night (it felt good to tell someone). She was surprised that he and I hadn't talked about it since it happened. Then HE walked into the bar. He came over to say hi. Apparently the people he'd gone out to dinner with (yes, including the ex) were two tables down from K and I. So he went and sat with them, but spent most of his time with a smaller part of the group (not including the ex) at a different table. A bunch of people K knows showed up and we ended up drinking more than planned. Yep, I got drunk.

When I got home, he was already back in his apartment. I went over and asked him how his day was. He said that everything went well. He said that it was awkward with the ex. Then I caused trouble. I brought up the fact that K thought it was weird that we hadn't talked about Saturday. I asked him if he meant what he said. He said something like, "I'm just not ready to break down that last wall." I don't remember clearly what else was said. I tried to leave it alone, seeing as he had another long, stressful day to get sleep for. I remember saying something like, "maybe we shouldn't see each other until I get back from my class trip." But then took it back. I don't remember most of what I said. Which is not good. I do remember sitting there quietly for awhile and then leaving in a bit of a huff.

So now I am hungover. I still have a midterm due at midnight. His day lasts until 9PM, so I won't see him until late. If I see him at all. I'm pretty sure that I agreed to do a movie night tonight. And he may go out again after conference stuff ends. He is probably not eager to see me. I'm torn about seeing him anyways. I am sorry that I drunkenly approached him about Saturday, but I am not sorry that I brought it up. I should have done it sober. But his response still makes me not want to be around him right now.

I am sick of his walls, and his rules, and his fears. I don't know if I can handle his "walls" anymore. I think that I deserve something more. I think that we could give it a shot at the end of the year. But I don't want him to misunderstand what I mean by that. I mean that I have no firm plans next year. I could go wherever he goes and we could see if it works. No pressure for longterm commitment. Just SEE if it works. But I guess it would never work if he has "walls" up. If he doesn't want to open himself up to me, then why am I wasting my time? He is my best friend AND I love him. I don't want to let this pass me by. I don't want to look back and see that I didn't try. But I also have to know when to quit. I guess I should go to movie night and give us both some space.