Back Home

Well, I survived the weekend. Better than survived. His family was actually very nice. I had a really good time. I liked his parents (and I think the feeling was mutual), his sister was nice and surprisingly talkative, his dad's colleagues were a blast (one in particular), and I even liked his sister's boyfriend (I didn't have any sort of "talk" with her about that situation). The gifts I brought went over well, and I think everyone genuinely liked what I brought for them. Overall, everything was great, and I felt welcome and at ease. It really couldn't have gone better.

Sounds great, right? But it all actually made me very sad. His family is great and we get along really well--one more reason that this "relationship" seems like it SHOULD work. It just makes this situation seem even more ridiculous. What the hell does he want? He claims to be very attracted to me, that he loves spending time with me, that he cares about me deeply (he has used the word "love" at least once), AND his parents like me. I don't understand. But worse than that was the fact that all weekend his parents and his dad's colleagues kept saying that they hope I go to this event next year too. His mom said, "If you stick with [him], next year..." Like it is my choice. They kept saying that they would like me to come visit them in their home state. I just had to smile, and offer the generic: "that would be great." For us, there won't be a next year. I will probably never see them again. They have no idea that he is just discarding me when this summer ends. And him and his parents kept talking about his plans for next year, and where to store his things when August ends--all things that remind me that this will all end soon.

When we got back, one of the first things he wanted was his pot. So much for not smoking it until the end of the term. I gave it to him. I couldn't really stand to be around him anymore anyways. He kept wanting to cuddle with me, and kept giving me looks that were filled with way too much emotion. He said, "You are so pretty. This weekend, it was like I was seeing you for the first time all over again." He actually teared up when he said that. It hurts to have him look at me like that, and say things like that. None of it matters.

He went to his apartment a few minutes ago. To smoke. And probably drink. I am sitting here, feeling like I am going to either sob, or snap and yell at him. It is probably best that he went home. I don't even really have anything to be mad at him for. I just feel helpless. Going on this trip just showed me what life would be like with him at family gatherings, holidays, vacations--and it was too good. Maybe I shouldn't have gone. I enjoyed it too much, and now it hurts more.

I wish I could talk to my best friend from college. But she has been MIA. I have called her several times in the last few weeks (just to say hi, not to burden her with my crap), and she hasn't called back. She even emailed me to say that she would call soon, but still hasn't. Her birthday is in a few days, and I wanted to mail her something, but I don't know if she has already moved for the summer, or what her new address is. I am sure she is busy, but I feel kind of abandoned by her. We were very close in undergrad. Attached at the hip close. Now I feel like I have to chase her to have a conversation. I think she is wrapped up in her job, and her boyfriend, and her school. I can understand that, but it would be really nice to hear her voice.

I am sure I am just over-tired right now. We had to get up early all weekend. I am a little sleep-deprived. Maybe I will feel better in the morning. I wonder if I will see him again tonight. I should try not to. I am too close to snapping. I need to cool off.