Boiling

R finally called me back. It was nice to talk to her again. It made me miss her more though. I wish she was here.

Him and I went to dinner tonight. Now he is working on his resume. He was talking about job prospects all through dinner. He seemed completely surprised when I got quiet and seemed upset. I'm sorry--I don't care if it makes me a selfish bitch--I just cannot be there for him when it comes to his plans for next year. I cannot listen to it, bounce ideas with him, or hear him weigh the pros and cons of different jobs. I just can't. It makes my blood boil. It literally makes me want to hit him. I play it cool (relatively) and just tell him that everything is fine, that I am not thinking about anything, that I am not upset. He knows that it isn't true, but who does me having a meltdown about it benefit? Not me. Definitely not him. I am so angry right now. I can't help it. I went over to his apartment after I got off the phone with R and he was working on his resume and talking about all the job listings that he is qualified for. I left as quickly as I could without it seeming like I was leaving because I was pissed off. I can't handle it. I cannot handle coming second to a job that he doesn't even have yet. I cannot handle the fact that I don't figure into his future at all. Why do I matter so little to him? He can't even stop fucking working on his resume to spend time with me now, while he still can. I really feel like I need to yell or punch something. Or cry. Shit is going to hit the fan again.

I don't know what to do anymore.