What is Love

Instead of doing my homework, I have been thinking about--what else?--love. And that got me to thinking about WHY I was thinking about love instead of working. Why it seems that that is all I have been thinking about lately.

I remembered something that I either saw on TV or read somewhere awhile back. Since I can't remember where I got this information, I don't know if it is valid, but it makes me feel like less of a freak, so I am going with it. I remember seeing or reading something that claimed that women have a stronger "love" reaction than men, particularly in the way this reaction is tied to sex. There was something about the fact that once women cross the threshold into "love" (this crossing often tied to sexual intimacy) they become fixated and distracted, to the point where they may not be able to focus on other aspects of their life.

I think that this little tidbit stuck with me because it hits so close to home. Wherever I read/heard this, attributed this reaction to chemicals. A completely involuntary reaction of chemicals in the brain. Men and women have different brain chemistry, and therefore have different reactions to "love."

This is a very convenient theory for me. Maybe too convenient. Is this just a way for the love-obsessed to make excuses for themselves? Or can I really not help the fact that I am on here several times a day, pouring out all of my hopes and fears relating to my "love life."

As much as I want this chemistry explanation to be valid, I know that I am accountable for my own actions. I know that I have more control over my life than I feel like I do. I also know that he would think I was INSANE if he ever found out about this blog. But really, this blog is just like any diary. You can't read a diary and expect it to accurately reflect a person's life. It is always skewed, at least for me, by the fact that I only write about what bothers me, or scares me, or worries me. I tend not to write about things that are stable, and that I already have figured out. Diaries, and now this blog, are places for me to work through things that I am having trouble with.

I am completely petrified that if he ever found this, he would think that I do nothing but obsess about him all day. The situation with him does occupy more of my brain power than it should. It does distract me from things that I should be focusing on. It is very, very important to me. But it is not the only thing in my life. It is just the thing that troubles me the most. I am struggling with it. I don't know what I should do in this situation anymore. I don't know how much I should tell him, and how much I should keep to myself. I know that people say that honesty is always best, but it is so scary to be honest about love.

So LOVE is the thing that I NEED to write about. I have nowhere else to let it out. I don't feel like I can be completely honest with anyone about this situation and have them actually understand where I am coming from. THIS is the only place I can be honest. So even if it makes me seem crazy, I need this space to air out my emotions.