Recovering

What a miserable night. I ended up sleeping okay (I think from sheer exhaustion), but now I just feel like I've been hit by a bus. I have this image in my head of him and I as boxers or something, sitting in our separate corners during a fight break, bleeding, gasping for breath, utterly exhausted, and questioning whether both of us are in good enough shape to continue the fight. Not to be overly dramatic, ha. For my part, I will be staying away from him. I am not particularly angry. I am just tired of having the same fights over and over again. I am tired of feeling like I don't matter.

I know that I can't avoid him forever--we do live next door to each other, and there are three months left here--but I am not sure yet what I will say to him when I see him. I need to collect my thoughts. I don't think that it can all just go away this time with a couple of mutual apologies, some tears, and a hug. If I don't really deal with this, these fights will keep happening.

If I tell him that I can't do this anymore, that will be the final word on it. He will not fight me on it, because he will feel that he has no right to. He knows that he is the one who is willing to let our "relationship" go at the end of the year, and he will not think it is fair for him to fight for it now, when he knows that he will stop fighting for it when the summer ends. I know him well enough to know that. If I tell him I am done with this, he will accept it, and I will not be able to take it back. It will be over.

I need to think about this carefully. I need to make a rational decision. I can't help but think of the time many months ago when we tried to scale things back to "just friends." It only lasted a couple of days, but it was miserable. But things have changed since then. Really, though, I know that if I call it off, I cannot see him all the time like I do now. It is just so unnatural. I will need time to myself to heal. How do I let go of someone who I love? It is the right thing to do--isn't it? I guess I just need to spend some time alone for now.

Done

I cannot handle this anymore. We had the biggest fight we have ever had. I went over there after awhile and we smoothed things over about how the night had gone up to that point. After sitting around for an hour or two and talking/joking, I suggested sex. He said no and then immediately, out of nowhere, asked me to leave him alone for the evening. It blindsided me. I snapped. I have no idea what ticked him off to the point where he wanted me to leave (considering we had smoothed everything over from our issues earlier in the evening), but I was not happy to hear him say that. Nothing pisses me off more than when someone completely changes demeanor and refuses to offer an explanation or talk about what the hell pissed them off. I really could not understand what had happened. I just went ballistic on him. I yelled, he yelled. I said that he can have the whole damn weekend, or the whole WEEK, to himself. I just completely lost it. I cannot remember the last time I was that angry. After a good amount of yelling, and hurling accusations at him about our whole "relationship" (EVERYTHING that has been pissing me off or hurting me just poured out in the most offensive and least articulate manner imaginable), I left. I am not proud of the way I behaved--yelling is not the best way to communicate--but I just reached my breaking point.

I am just DONE. Completely spent. I don't think I have anything left. I don't think I can fix it this time. I don't think I want to. This is just so fucking toxic. I need to get out of this building. My mind has been going for the past half hour (since I got back to my apartment) and I have actually thought about checking into a hotel for tomorrow night. I don't think I can stand to be next door to him right now. This is just completely ludicrous. I am in a fake, dead-end relationship. We are both being pushed to our breaking point. My emotions are out of control. I snap at him almost every day now. The fact that the end is creeping up is turning me into a psycho. I don't like myself anymore. It has gotten to the point where this "relationship" brings out the worst in me. I am absolutely self-destructing and taking him down with me.

He said that he knows I am going to "punish" him for tonight--but it is not even a matter of me being mad at him or anything like that at this point. This just is not good for me. He is not good for me. I need to get out of this building tomorrow. Go find somewhere else to do work, at least for the better part of the day. I cannot be around him tomorrow. Not because I am angry, but because I am SO damn tired. My brain, my heart, my body. I am just completely drained.

He is never going to want to be with me. Period. I don't know why that is just now finally sinking in. This is going nowhere good. I am going to keep hurting and fighting and picking at this until it is over. That is not fair to either of us. I am not going to knock on his door. I am not going to try to smooth things over with him. I am past that point. I am broken, empty, and exhausted.

Boiling

R finally called me back. It was nice to talk to her again. It made me miss her more though. I wish she was here.

Him and I went to dinner tonight. Now he is working on his resume. He was talking about job prospects all through dinner. He seemed completely surprised when I got quiet and seemed upset. I'm sorry--I don't care if it makes me a selfish bitch--I just cannot be there for him when it comes to his plans for next year. I cannot listen to it, bounce ideas with him, or hear him weigh the pros and cons of different jobs. I just can't. It makes my blood boil. It literally makes me want to hit him. I play it cool (relatively) and just tell him that everything is fine, that I am not thinking about anything, that I am not upset. He knows that it isn't true, but who does me having a meltdown about it benefit? Not me. Definitely not him. I am so angry right now. I can't help it. I went over to his apartment after I got off the phone with R and he was working on his resume and talking about all the job listings that he is qualified for. I left as quickly as I could without it seeming like I was leaving because I was pissed off. I can't handle it. I cannot handle coming second to a job that he doesn't even have yet. I cannot handle the fact that I don't figure into his future at all. Why do I matter so little to him? He can't even stop fucking working on his resume to spend time with me now, while he still can. I really feel like I need to yell or punch something. Or cry. Shit is going to hit the fan again.

I don't know what to do anymore.

A Normal Friday

This is my first normal Friday in almost a month. Last Friday I was on the road with him, the Friday before was the booze cruise, and the Friday before that was my class trip. Nothing to pack for or get ready for today. It feels strange.

Today is my best friend from undergrad's (R) birthday. I called R, and wrote a message on her facebook. I can't ever seem to get her on the phone. I miss talking to her. I think I will try one more time later today (in case she is working or something), but I have tried to call her at least four times in the past few weeks and haven't gotten one call back. I feel kind of ditched. I am sure she is busy--but we spent four years together, pretty much 24/7--I feel like she can find a few minutes to call me. Earlier in the year, she was talking about visiting me over the summer. It would be nice if she did, but considering that I can't even get her to call me, I doubt she will be visiting any time soon. I just miss her.

I was unable to avoid him yesterday. He came home with a trashy magazine for me (in addition to bad reality TV, I also enjoy incredibly superficial and mindless magazines), and was in a very sweet, attentive mood. I know that that is precisely when I should avoid him, but it is hard. Something to work on I guess.

I went to see K yesterday. I hadn't seen her since I got back from my trip. She has a cold and is trying to finish a draft of her MA thesis by Monday. Bummer. I was hoping to drag her to the bar with me tonight--just to get out of the building and have some girl time. I have never been around females less than I have been this year. In high school and college, my closest friends were girls. This is the first time that my best friend has been a guy--if you can even really categorize him as a friend. He is the person I am closest to here. We basically live together. I really miss living with girls. Especially R. We were on the same hall freshman year, and we lived together (with other girls too) from sophomore year until we graduated. I guess I feel a sort of void without a close female friend in my life. Maybe once I am more settled somewhere I will develop a group of close female friends.

It is kind of a dreary, rainy day here. I guess that makes it the perfect day to get some reading done. Hopefully I can avoid the temptation of the trashy magazine and stick to my academic reading...

A New Approach?

Today I will try to be more productive. I do not handle stress well. It pretty much paralyzes me. Lately, my mother is stressing me out. She keeps asking me what I am doing next year, and when I am leaving Chicago, and if she and my dad should come out and help me move. NO, I don't know what I am doing next year, I don't know exactly when I am leaving, and you don't have to help me move if you don't want to. She is also supportive of my indecisiveness though. She says that it is okay that I don't know what I want to do yet. But I can tell she is nervous for me. I just wish she would stop asking those questions. I know that she loves me and is concerned, but I am old enough to deal with my own lack of direction.

I may have figured out something about this situation with HIM. I need to start distancing myself from him when everything is good. I only shut him out when things are bad--when we've had a fight. That never works for me long-term, because I can't stand to leave conflict unresolved. I have done that in the past, and it has never worked out well. I learned from those mistakes.

Case in point: My best friend from high school (E) and I haven't spoken in 6 years. The fight we had was so stupid. I cannot believe that it tore us apart like it did. E and I both had crappy boyfriends during our senior year of high school. Both borderline abusive. Both of us would tell the other one that she deserved better, but neither of us would take our own advice. I finally got out of my crappy relationship (with the stalker), but he would not leave me alone. He tried to get to me any way he could, including through E. After S (the stalker) and I broke up, I started hanging out with D (yes, love #1). S found out and freaked out and kept calling E to ask her about it. Needless to say, E got rather annoyed with S's constant calls and questions. In addition to that annoyance, she was still with her shady boyfriend. I could not control what S did, but I did ask him (firmly) to leave her out of things. One morning in homeroom, E freaked out at me about the fact that S kept calling her. I said I was sorry, but I had asked him to stop and didn't know what else to do (especially since we weren't together anymore). I said that I didn't want to talk about it then and there, it just didn't seem like the time or place to have a heated discussion. That is the last time we spoke. We both went silent, and somehow the silence stretched over days, weeks, months, and years. Halfway through my freshman year of college, I mailed her a letter (I was too nervous to call), apologizing for my part in letting things get out of hand and asking her to call me, write me, email me... I never heard back. We have mutual friends, but it seems like every time there is supposed to be a group get-together over a holiday, something mucks it up. Last time, I had a stomach virus and couldn't go. It is probably too late to fix things now anyways. But I still miss her. I still regret letting things remain silent for even a day after our confrontation in homeroom. I should have fixed it while I had the chance.

So, I cannot let things go when there is conflict. I have to fix them right away. When him and I have a fight, my instinct is to fix it--which means that avoiding him while I am angry is not going to work for me. I need to avoid him when things are good. When I am happy. That is probably more effective all around. I feel pretty good today, so maybe I will give it a try. I just hope he doesn't piss me off anytime soon.

Oh, Who Cares

I accomplished some of the items on my list. Groceries, cleaning, coming up with a paper topic. I did not email my professor or read (at all). Instead, I am drinking beer and getting ready to watch Top Chef. One of the few mindless shows that has not ended yet. I am so responsible.

I watched the final Flavor of Love 3 today--the reunion show. Flavor of Love 3 may be the trashiest and worst reality television show ever made. But I watched every episode. And I have to say, I got quite upset at the end of the reunion special. Flav surprised everyone by ditching the show winner (Thing 2--who I was rooting for all along) and proposing to his baby's mother. First of all, this woman was apparently pregnant with Flav's baby WHILE he was on this reality show to find "love." Second, he just ditches poor Thing 2 (who, believe it or not, actually seemed to care about him) on TV and the PROPOSED to his baby's mother. WOW. I know that it was probably staged to an extent, but really, talk about adding insult to injury. I know that it is terrible television. I know that I should not care at all. But, truthfully? I was annoyed. It was just trashy of him. Trashy, trashy, trashy. He is going to realize that he made a mistake. He ditched the one girl who will probably ever actually care about him. Lame.

Maybe I am projecting here. Honestly, the first thought it my head was "typical fickle MAN." Yes, I have turned into a man-hater. Flav, last year's Bachelor (he was BAD), and any other man who can't make up his DAMN mind--better get yourselves athletic cups, because I am just waiting for an excuse...

But, seriously, is it a guy thing? This whole, "I don't know what I want... wait, maybe I do... no... I don't." They aren't all like that, I know, but doesn't it seem like more guys are like that than women? Or maybe my current situation is skewing my perspective a bit. My last boyfriend, M, was not like that at all. In fact, he was just the opposite. We were together for a year and a half, and he never wavered ONCE. He wanted to be with me, he treated me well, he was smart, motivated, kind, and completely devoted. Why wasn't that enough for me? I guess it was because there were no sparks. None. I cared for him deeply, but there was zero excitement. Even in the beginning, I think I knew deep down that I could not stay with him forever. I need sparks. I need the kind of love that comes with sparks.

So, can you choose who you love? I loved M, but in the way that I love my friends, or members of my family. Just a deep affection. I wanted him to be happy, but I didn't feel passionately about him. I have only loved D and HIM passionately. And neither of them were/are good for me. They are both flaky, unreliable, wishy-washy men. They are both good men. Smart, motivated, kind men--but not solid, reliable, or willing to commit. They are a lot alike. So why them? Why did I fall in love with them? Did I choose it, or did it just happen? Is that just my type? Can I change my type? I mean, I knew that it wasn't right to stay with M, because I didn't FEEL it the way that I needed to. But HIM... I would turn my life upside down for him. Do I just crave the conflict?

Rrrrrr. I frustrate myself. If I put half as much energy into other things as I do into this, I would be done with all of my coursework, have a job lined up for next year, and would probably have a clean apartment, a perfect body, and a solution to world hunger. It is like I'm in a bubble, where this is the only thing that exists. I do this to myself. I may or may not be able to change who I love, but I can change how I handle it. I just still haven't figured out how. It is so much easier said than done.

Okay

I feel better today. I did see him later, but I ended up sleeping at my own apartment (by choice). I was laying there in bed with him, and he was snoring, and I was awake, and I just didn't feel like being there. It wasn't even the snoring. I just wanted to be home. So I got up and left. It felt right, and I slept really well. A turning point? We'll see.

I still have to finish my paper. I have class in three hours. It is almost done. I still have an overwhelming amount of things to do in general, but at least that is one thing down. I really need to clean and buy groceries today. I think having a messy apartment with an empty refrigerator just contributes to my bad mood. So, I have a plan: finish paper, go to class, go to grocery store, clean apartment, come up with final paper topic for one of my classes and email professor, read, relax. That seems like a doable list. I just hope I don't quit after going to the grocery store.

I know that he has a lot of reading to do tonight, so I probably won't see much of him. I think that that is okay with me. I have been in a crappy mood lately. I have snapped at him so many times these past couple days. I know that a lot of my bad mood has to do with him. So I should do a little detox program. I really, really wish I could leave for a weekend. Not like a class trip, and certainly not on a trip with him, but just sleep somewhere else. That would be hard to do though, so I will just keep busy, get my stuff done, and try not to knock on his door. Not that that ever works. But, maybe this time will be different.

Ow

My heart hurts. I am trying to write this paper and I am having trouble concentrating. I want to see him, but I don't think he is home yet. I saw him earlier today and he said he had a lot of work to do tonight and won't be able to hang out much. I am pretty sure that he is at the bar now though. He got out of class an hour and a half ago. Not that there is anything wrong with him going to the bar. I just want to see him.

I feel down. Blue. Unmotivated. Deflated. Just--blah. I need a hug. I am stressed out beyond belief with my homework, but completely unmotivated to do it. The more I procrastinate, the more stressed I get, and the less I want to do it. And round and round it goes. I am starting to genuinely suck at life.

Swamped

Being away for four days definitely put me behind in homework. I have a paper due tomorrow (yikes), a final and final paper (which I don't yet have a topic for) to get going on, and more reading than I can possibly finish. Not to mention that pesky little MA thesis. Overwhelmed. That is the only word that works here. One thing at a time I guess.

He made the fatal mistake of coming back to my apartment last night, shortly after I posted on here. I snapped AND sobbed. He felt bad that his parents had said things like, "we hope you come next year." I really thought that they understood our situation, but I guess he hasn't told them as much as I thought he did. Aside from that part of the discussion, we pretty much went in the same circles that we always do. He did come out with this new one: "I know you're upset that you're not my girlfriend, but you are my best friend, and that means more." He also repeated his claim that he is not upset about this ending now (like I clearly am), because things don't hit him until they happen. It will become real for him when we leave. Yippee.

After that, we had another squabble about the pot. He didn't end up smoking, although I did eventually back down, calm down, and apologize for making such a big deal out of it. I won't get upset about it again. I need to pick my battles.

I honestly don't know what I'm doing anymore. I have the same fights with him at least twice a week. He will never change his mind about parting ways when the year ends. I still haven't floated the idea of going with him wherever he goes, but I don't think I will. If he said no to that, then I know that it really IS me--it is not just the circumstances, it is not just him being focused on his academics and career. That would mean that even without the complications, he would not want to be with me. Maybe it is better to leave it alone. We will both be busy this week catching up on work. I just wish I could actually stay away from him.

I am still SO tired, even though I got at least 9 hours of sleep last night. One class today, then I have to tackle that paper. Today is going to suck. But at least I will be busy, and hopefully not thinking about all of this shit like I usually am. I just need to accept the situation for what it is. To a certain extent, I have--but somehow I can't help looking for some magic something that will change his mind about everything. I really need to cut that out.

Back Home

Well, I survived the weekend. Better than survived. His family was actually very nice. I had a really good time. I liked his parents (and I think the feeling was mutual), his sister was nice and surprisingly talkative, his dad's colleagues were a blast (one in particular), and I even liked his sister's boyfriend (I didn't have any sort of "talk" with her about that situation). The gifts I brought went over well, and I think everyone genuinely liked what I brought for them. Overall, everything was great, and I felt welcome and at ease. It really couldn't have gone better.

Sounds great, right? But it all actually made me very sad. His family is great and we get along really well--one more reason that this "relationship" seems like it SHOULD work. It just makes this situation seem even more ridiculous. What the hell does he want? He claims to be very attracted to me, that he loves spending time with me, that he cares about me deeply (he has used the word "love" at least once), AND his parents like me. I don't understand. But worse than that was the fact that all weekend his parents and his dad's colleagues kept saying that they hope I go to this event next year too. His mom said, "If you stick with [him], next year..." Like it is my choice. They kept saying that they would like me to come visit them in their home state. I just had to smile, and offer the generic: "that would be great." For us, there won't be a next year. I will probably never see them again. They have no idea that he is just discarding me when this summer ends. And him and his parents kept talking about his plans for next year, and where to store his things when August ends--all things that remind me that this will all end soon.

When we got back, one of the first things he wanted was his pot. So much for not smoking it until the end of the term. I gave it to him. I couldn't really stand to be around him anymore anyways. He kept wanting to cuddle with me, and kept giving me looks that were filled with way too much emotion. He said, "You are so pretty. This weekend, it was like I was seeing you for the first time all over again." He actually teared up when he said that. It hurts to have him look at me like that, and say things like that. None of it matters.

He went to his apartment a few minutes ago. To smoke. And probably drink. I am sitting here, feeling like I am going to either sob, or snap and yell at him. It is probably best that he went home. I don't even really have anything to be mad at him for. I just feel helpless. Going on this trip just showed me what life would be like with him at family gatherings, holidays, vacations--and it was too good. Maybe I shouldn't have gone. I enjoyed it too much, and now it hurts more.

I wish I could talk to my best friend from college. But she has been MIA. I have called her several times in the last few weeks (just to say hi, not to burden her with my crap), and she hasn't called back. She even emailed me to say that she would call soon, but still hasn't. Her birthday is in a few days, and I wanted to mail her something, but I don't know if she has already moved for the summer, or what her new address is. I am sure she is busy, but I feel kind of abandoned by her. We were very close in undergrad. Attached at the hip close. Now I feel like I have to chase her to have a conversation. I think she is wrapped up in her job, and her boyfriend, and her school. I can understand that, but it would be really nice to hear her voice.

I am sure I am just over-tired right now. We had to get up early all weekend. I am a little sleep-deprived. Maybe I will feel better in the morning. I wonder if I will see him again tonight. I should try not to. I am too close to snapping. I need to cool off.

T - 6 Hours(ish)

Today is the day. Talking to K yesterday helped. She gave me a good idea for what to bring. For his sister/sister's boyfriend I will go to the bakery near my apartment and get an assortment of baked goods. Chocolates (made in our city) for his mom, and red wine for his dad. He is at work and class now. I have to run errands for a couple hours, shower, get ready, finish packing, and be ready and waiting when he gets back from class.

I could have killed him last night. I should have seen it coming--but as soon as he was done packing, he came to my apartment and asked for his pot. So much for, "I am not going to do it again until the term is over." He didn't end up doing it (because he got an earful from me), but I ended up feeling like a controlling bitch because of the whole encounter. Really, who am I to tell him what he should and should not do? Even if I was his girlfriend I shouldn't do that, but I have even less of a right to do that as our relationship stands now. I just couldn't believe, after what he said two nights ago, that he was asking me for it! Why even give it to me to hold (HIS idea, not mine) if he is just going to ask for it back two nights later?! I guess it doesn't matter--he didn't do it (although if he'd known where in my room it was, he might have just grabbed it), but it still bothered me. He is not a big pothead. But this past week, it seems like all he has wanted to do. He just needs to stop doing it every damn night. He is so fucking boring when he is stoned. The rant of the week I guess.

So we are planning to be on the road between 3:30 and 4:30. I expect we will hit traffic. It would be a 2-3 hour drive without traffic. His mom and dad (or at least his dad) have a dinner tonight, so it may just be me, him, his sister, and his sister's boyfriend. I wouldn't mind that. It would be nice to start out slowly. But I expect that his parents will still be at the house when we get there. Maybe when the initial meeting is over, I will feel more relaxed. I guess I should focus on the drive first. I have to navigate--not my strong suit. Since we live in a city, and neither of us have cars here, I have never seen him drive. I can be a bit of a backseat driver. I hope he isn't scary behind the wheel. On the upside, I made two mixed cd's (alternating his music and my music). That should make the drive more pleasant, and help keep my nerves at bay.

Off to run errands and do everything else I have to do. Fingers crossed that this weekend goes well. I am sure that I will have a lot bottled up to write about by Monday (not necessarily, and hopefully not, in a bad way).

Eep

My nerves are really starting to kick in about this trip. I still have no idea what to bring for his parents and sister. I was thinking wine and chocolates for his parents, and chocolates and maybe these nice soaps that they sell near here for the sister/sister's boyfriend. Overkill? Maybe. Flowers would probably not survive the car ride, and I don't want to buy his sister a plant (some people don't like having to take care of plants). I also toyed with the idea of sending an Edible Arrangement. My parents have received a few of those, and they are very novel and tasty. But would I send it to get there for tomorrow, before him and I arrive, or after we leave? And since his parents don't live at the house, it would more be a gift for his sister. Blah. I know that I am thinking about this too much. I want to bring something thoughtful, but not something too extravagant. This whole gift thing is complicated by the fact that I am not his girlfriend, and they all know that I am having sex with him. I don't know why that makes it more complicated to me, but it does. I don't want them to think that I am trying too hard, but I also don't want them to think that I am ungrateful for their generosity in buying me the ticket, letting me stay there for the weekend, and probably paying for plenty of other things too (of course, I will offer to pay for meals/some of the activities we do). I am over thinking this. Story of my life.

I am trying to work on a paper, but my mind keeps going back to this trip. I have met friends' parents before, and boyfriends' parents, but never friends-with-benefits' parents. How am I supposed to act? I know... be polite, be myself, relax, have fun... but it is WEIRD, right? I am not intimidated by his parents, per se, but it is a lot to take in in one weekend. I am meeting his dad, mom, sister, sister's boyfriend, and probably some of his dad's colleagues. Why did I agree to this? It is too late to back out now. When he first mentioned this trip, I didn't think it would actually happen. When I first agreed to actually go, I had no idea that both of his parents would be there, or that we would be staying with his sister. By the time I found that out, the tickets were already purchased, the rental car was already reserved, and he had already told them I was coming. I could have backed out. I could have backed out a bunch of times. Now, it is too late. By this time tomorrow, we will be on the road. Then I am trapped for four days with him and his family, whether we get along or not. And I will be the only one who is out of my element. Everyone else will be comfortable with their surrounding and with the people around them. I just can't think straight right now.

This little panic really came out of nowhere. I have been feeling fine, and even looking forward to the trip. Now I am wondering what the hell I was thinking when I agreed to this. Maybe I will go see if K is home--just to get out of my apartment for a few minutes.

How...

...is it Thursday already? This week flew by. He and I leave for our trip tomorrow afternoon. Yesterday we realized that Monday is Memorial Day too, so there is no need for us to rush back to get me to class on time. So tomorrow at 3ish until sometime mid-Monday, I will be with him and his family. It just occurred to me yesterday that I should bring something for them too. His parents paid for some pretty expensive event tickets ($150 a pop!), and we are staying at his sister's house. For his parents, I figure that a nice bottle of wine is okay, but his sister is not quite of-age, so I can't exactly give her alcohol in front of the parents (they may not actually care, but he says that she is not really a drinker anyways). I don't have time to go downtown and find anything, so my options are limited. Why didn't I think of this sooner?

He wants me to talk to his sister while we are there. Apparently the guy who is living with her (rent free) is a controlling, lazy, loser. She no longer has any friends or sees anyone but him outside of work. He doesn't pay bills, or rent, or anything. I used to date a controlling loser type, so he thinks that I might be able to get through to her where others have failed. BUT, you cannot have a conversation like that with someone you've just met. I told him that, but he is pretty insistent that he wants me to try. Really though, who am I to give anyone relationship advice? My own situation is pretty screwed up. I don't think I seem like a very credible source. I guess I will play it by ear. Who knows, maybe she and I will gel really well, and I will feel comfortable offering her unsolicited relationship advice...

Things are back to okay with him. He asked me to get a drink with him after class yesterday. We spent the evening talking (a lot about the trip), then got dinner and watched some good, mindless TV (Real World--I am so ashamed, and Top Chef). No pot for him last night. Which makes sense, since it is hidden in my apartment. It was a nice change. It definitely put me in a better mood.

Now I just have one class and a paper to work on. I'll save the shopping and packing for tomorrow.

Disappointment

Today started out much better with him. When he came back from class, he actually did initiate something physical, then we hung out and ate dinner. Eventually he had to go read. After a couple of hours I went to his apartment to say hi, and he was just finishing his reading. So he popped in a DVD and we settled in to watch it. Everything was great, until he took out the damn pot again. My heart just sank. We had had such a nice day, and I was so looking forward to laying and watching a DVD with him and talking, and then going to sleep. That just ruined it for me. Instead of laying next to him, I was laying next to the stoned zombie. So, as has been my pattern lately, I talked to him about it. He said that he was sorry, that he has been smoking it too often, and he apologized for not living up to what he said yesterday about "rectifying the situation." He told me that spending time with me is important to him, and that he was sorry that he hurt my feelings. He gave me the pot he had left and told me to keep it in my apartment until the end of the term. He promised that tomorrow would be different.

It seems so stupid that I am upset over this, but I just feel disappointed, and hurt, and passed over. Like he would rather smoke pot than spend time with me. I don't need him to NEVER do it. Just not night, after night, after night... Maybe I am being hypersensitive right now (it is just about that time of the month, and I am pretty stressed about classes), but he just keeps finding new ways to hurt me. I know that that is not his goal--he just really doesn't think much about people other than himself. He is a good man, but right now he is very self-involved. Clearly, I am too.

I complain far too much. I know that at the end of the day, I am very lucky to have the life that I have. I have loving, supportive parents, and a wonderful brother, who is not only my brother, but also my friend. I have the opportunity to be in graduate school. I have an open road ahead of me. I can move wherever I want, and search out a job, or try for more school, or do whatever else I want. I know that I am so lucky to have all of those things. I really do appreciate them. But isn't it often much easier to focus on the bad things, no matter how small they are? The bad stuff always comes to the forefront.

This is going to make me sound strange, but sometimes, when I need to put my problems into perspective and remind myself of all of the good things in my life, I seek out really sad things. Sad movies, sad books, sad news stories, sad facebook groups... anything that reminds me how great my life is. I certainly don't take joy in other people's sadness. In fact, I usually end up crying, or feeling low for quite some time afterward. But it reminds me that my problems are so incredibly small compared to what some people have to face. It reminds me to be grateful.

Today, I read two stories that just ripped me up. One was about a single mother in California who lost both of her children within a couple of days of each other. Her daughter and her daughter's boyfriend were stabbed to death in her home while she slept, and her son was fatally injured in a car accident while he was rushing home after hearing of his sister's death (he died a couple of days later). The mother was the one who found the bodies of her daughter and the boyfriend. On Mother's Day. The same day that the car crash happened. Truly horrifying. I cannot imagine what that poor woman is going through.

The other is a story that I have been following for some time. I went to the same college as the daughter of the victims (although I did not know her well at all), and heard about it when it first happened for that reason. Three years ago, a high school junior shot and killed his parents with a shotgun, and then hid their bodies in their house and proceeded to go to his junior prom. The girl that I went to college with is his sister. The young man was just sentenced for the murders (20-25 years for each murder), and his sister, half-brother, and aunt made statements at the sentencing hearing. I watched the video of those statements today, and it was just so sad. The sister's statement hit me the hardest (maybe because I remember her seeming so strong and composed on campus after the murders). Hearing her words made me realize that I don't tell my own parents often enough how much they mean to me. I should fix that. I will.

My heart aches for the woman who lost her children, and for the children who lost their parents in those stories. It was definitely a very sobering reality check. I know that I will continue to get caught up in my daily dramas, and I know that I will continue to expend a lot of emotional energy on things that will probably not matter ten years from now, but sometimes it is important for me to step back and realize that I am damn lucky to have the life that I have.

The Calm After the Storm

Things are okay (for now). He came back with dinner for me (food always helps), and I told him that I wanted to talk to him. He asked if he could go first. He apologized for being nasty to me the night before, and explained that this whole situation is just getting very intense and that he doesn't know what to say anymore. He said that the sex thing (him not seeming to want it), is his way of trying to protect himself--his way of dealing with this situation. I brought up a lot of what I wrote yesterday and the day before. We talked a little longer. He said that the conversations are so hard for him because there is nothing that he can say to make me feel better. He said that he thinks the only thing that I want to hear is, "Let's be together and make it work across the country next year." I assured him that I did not expect to hear that from him, but that I just need him to listen and respond honestly when we talk. He agreed to be more engaged in conversations when we have them, and I agreed to try not to bring them to him so often. He said that he is going to stop pulling away from my physically and verbally.

Fairly successful conversation. I do feel better. But, the part where he said that he thought I wanted him to say, "Let's be together and make it work across the country next year," bothered me a little. I was never saying that we should do long distance. I've done long distance before, and I don't think I would want to do it again. When he said that, I realized that I did not get my point across to him that I would go with him next year (wherever he goes). Which makes sense, since I never actually TOLD him that. I just implied it. Or I thought I did. I realized that I am more afraid to tell him that than I was to tell him that I love him. It just sounds so extreme. I am afraid that it will freak him out if I tell him that. I will think about it.

Later, after dinner and mindless TV (Flav chose the right girl!!!), I went to his apartment with him to watch some Arrested Development DVD's. I was happy and ready to have a drama-free night with him, when he pulls out.... the pot. That put me right back into a crappy mood. I wanted to spend time with HIM, not with the stoned zombie that replaces him when he smokes. Seriously. Can't he save it for nights when I'm not there? Or, if that is an unreasonable request, at least not do it several nights in a row? So, since I've become quite good at being vocal with him about crap that bothers me, I told him. I said that I was looking forward to spending time with him, and that I feel alone when he does that. I also said that if anything physical is going to happen between us, it is on him to initiate it (eh, why not kill two complaints in one conversation). He said that he understood, and would rectify the situation. So, we will see what happens. This communication thing seems to work much better than silently fuming about things that bother me.

He asked me several times yesterday if I was still going to go on the trip with him this weekend. I told him that I definitely had moments over the past few days when I thought about staying home, but that I would go. I guess I am really committed to going now. It should be an interesting weekend--and a hectic week. I have so much work to get done before we go. I guess I should start reading after class today instead of watching Medium online, which I will be tempted to do. Need to work, need to work, need to work...

Weak

He just called me. This is exactly what was said:

Him: "Hey, I'm sorry about last night."
Me: "It's okay."
Him: "Do you want me to pick up anything for dinner?"
Me: "No, I'm good."
Him: "Well what are you going to eat?"
Me: "I don't know."
Him: "Okay, well call me if you think of anything."
Me: "Okay."
Him: "Alright, bye."
I hung up.

I know I shouldn't have answered the phone. Weak, weak, weak. And the truth is, it is NOT okay. That is not a sufficient apology. He cannot just pretend like everything is peachy. The only reason I said, "It's okay" (which everyone knows usually really means "it ISN'T okay") was because I didn't feel like talking to him at all, and I definitely didn't feel like getting into all of this with him over the phone. Which is why I should have just not answered. He doesn't just get to decide when things are okay. And I am not buying the apology. Just a typical attempt by him to smooth things over with as few words as possible. It is not going to work this time. I could tell that he calling from the bar from the noise in the background. I hope he stays there.

Trying to Stay Angry

That seems like a weird and petty thing to say, but it is more constructive for me than forgetting why I was upset last night. I just heard him leave for work (oh the joy of living next door to him), and of course he didn't stop in here. Which I guess he wouldn't, since he is running late (as usual). I hate that I know all of this--where he is going, when he is supposed to be there, when he actually leaves. Living next door to him turns me into a stalker, even if I don't intend to be. I also know that he does not have class today, but might meet up with C's boyfriend, J, to play frisbee. I have class from 1:30-3. Then I should come home and do homework.

You know, it really sucks having a studio apartment. I have one living room/bedroom, a little bathroom, and the tiniest kitchen in the world. I feel so confined. Our building has no common area. I also don't necessarily want to go read at Starbucks or campus or anywhere else. I need a quiet space to do work. I just wish that I had one more room, to switch it up a little. It feels like a short story I read in high school--The Yellow Wallpaper--where this woman is confined to a room (she is sick) that has busy, yellow wallpaper. Through the story, she goes slowly insane and starts to think that the wallpaper is coming to life. The end is really weird. Thank goodness I have white walls...

So, in short, I really don't want to be here from 3PM until bedtime, but I don't have too many other options. My friends are all busy with "almost the end of the term" work. No one has time to hang out. I don't want to see him, but if he knocks on my door I don't have many choices. I can answer, or not answer. I know that if I answer, he will say whatever he has to say to smooth things over and I will let everything go. If I don't answer, he will still know that I am home, which makes that a really passive aggressive move on my part. If he doesn't knock at all, I guess it is a moot point. Of course I don't want that either. I want him to want to apologize, whether I want to answer the door or not. Making mountains out of molehills, as usual.

At least tonight is a good mindless television night. Terrible shows abound! Flavor of Love 3 wraps up tonight (although he usually watches that with me...), the Bachelorette premiers (horrible and mindless), Medium is on (I usually end up watching it online later in the week--not mindless enough for a Monday), and... oh... sad... the Hills ended last week. I just realized that. Oh well. I guess Flavor of Love 3 and the Bachelorette are enough to rot my brain. Maybe the Hills would have been overkill anyways.

Shower, class, read, try to stay sane.

More Crazy Ranting

I went to his apartment after I wrote my last post and told him a lot of what I wrote there. I am so sick of keeping things inside. I was calm, did not raise my voice, and I felt that I spoke to him about it rationally. He basically said that he didn't want to talk about it tonight and that he just wanted to watch a movie. He never fucking wants to talk. So I said okay, and left, calmly. He didn't come after me. He never does. HE NEVER WANTS TO TALK ABOUT IT. He just wants to ignore any complications of this situation. I didn't accuse him of anything, I didn't take a nasty tone, I didn't raise my voice, I didn't lose my cool. I just calmly apologized for being in a mood earlier, and explained to him why I was upset. Then he took a nasty tone with me and said that he just wanted to watch James Bond.

Wow, nice to know that I am being brushed off for such a complex and unpredictable movie. Seriously, with the exception of the newest one, THEY ARE ALL EXACTLY THE SAME: James Bond gets a mission to retrieve something stolen, or prevent something from being stolen, or prevent the destruction of the world. A beautiful woman enters the picture. They head off to thwart the evil scheme of the bad guy together (or HE sets off to thwart the evil villain, and she insists on coming, eventually saving his ass at some crucial point in the movie). At some point her loyalty comes into question. It turns out she IS on James's side. They defeat the (Soviet) villain and save the day. James and the female finally fuck, because, of course, she has been playing hard-to-get through the whole movie. The end. Okay, minor side rant. It is not really James Bond that I am upset about. I can't really hate on anyone's movie choices when I enjoy the Wedding Planner over and over again. I know it is terrible, but for some reason I cannot see it enough.

I am upset because it just occurred to me that we have never actually had a conversation about this situation. It is always me telling him what I am upset about and him trying to get the hell out of the conversation as quickly as possible. Even when he is slightly more responsive than he was tonight, he says just enough to make the conversation end and not a word more. I think that that is why I try to bring these conversations to him way too often. I just want to have a REAL talk with him about all of this. Not a one-sided talk, where I let everything out, he says a few apologetic and/or artificially comforting words, and then we move on. It just occurred to me NOW that that is what has been happening. He has been bouncing out of these conversations as fast as he possibly can. What has he actually said? "I care about you," "I am sorry that you are upset," "It just hasn't hit me yet." It is all so generic. He has been so skillful at avoiding these conversations, that I did not even realize he was avoiding them.

Maybe I really shouldn't go on the trip next weekend. Maybe we need the time apart. His parents bought us tickets to an event, but I could pay them for the ticket. They might still think it is rude to back out so late , but like I said before, I guess it really doesn't matter what they think of me. Maybe I need time to myself more than I need to be polite.

What am I doing, really? Every day I have these meltdowns and go in the same mental circles. Then I go to sleep, and wake up the next morning feeling like I must have overreacted--that it is a new day and I should just be content with the situation and forget about the parts that upset me. Then the cycle starts over. Doing the same thing over and over again with the expectation of different results... isn't that the definition of INSANITY? I need to learn how to hold on to this anger and indignation overnight. That way I will not want to see him the next day, which will cut the cycle off. But I always wake up feeling different.

Maybe these are just delirious, 1AM, I am having a bad day (as evidenced by the fact that this is my fourth posting) rantings. Thank goodness I have this place to let everything out. This is the only thing keeping me marginally sane in real life. I just need to get some sleep. I am sure that come morning, I will feel like I blew everything out of proportion tonight. I miss having people to talk to about stuff like this. People to set me straight, and give me a sane perspective on things. My best friend from college always did that for me. Now she is so busy (in law school), that I hardly ever get to talk to her. She said that she will call me soon--but when she does I don't want to go on and on about this crap the whole time. And I've tried to talk to him about it, and he clearly doesn't really want to talk. I have no one to let this out to. As pathetic as it might sound, this blog is the only place I can turn right now. And I actually feel a little better. It really does help to write it out. I guess I should get some sleep. We'll see how I feel in the morning.

I Hate Me

I am bringing self-loathing to an art form. I am even getting sick of my own whiny bullshit. My emotional outbursts are coming more often. Lately, I cry at least once a day. A couple things did it tonight:

Every once in awhile, he smokes pot. And I really HATE it when he does. He becomes so unresponsive, and just kind of lays there watching crappy movies. It is so lonely for me. Tonight he wanted to smoke. I told that I did not want to hang out if he did. He didn't for awhile, but he is now. Of course, he doesn't have to hang out with me all the time. He can do what he wants. That alone would not upset me. It was more than that.

Earlier, he got upset for no real reason. He just started acting mopey and sad out of nowhere. I asked him what was wrong, and he said that it was nothing. He said, "Don't worry, it has nothing to do with you or us." He eventually told me that it is just stress about classes. You would think that would be good news for me. Instead, it made me feel like crap. It is ALWAYS about his classes. That is the only thing that brings any type of anxiety out of him. Not US, not the year ending--his classes, his prospects for getting into PhD programs... I am stressed about school too, but my feelings about academics cannot compete with how much I think about him, and us, and the year ending. It is just the reverse for him. I can't compete with his academic worries. I am an afterthought.

And that is the thing about the pot too. He wants to escape from the world for a little while. He would rather be stoned and watching mindless shit than spending quiet time with me to get away from things. He shuts me out.

And the sex thing is getting ridiculous. He is so worried about his classes that he is never in the mood. It wouldn't bother me so much if it didn't make me feel like I am coming in second to his "life goals" again, and again, and again. Why doesn't he want me the way that he wants good grades, a PhD, a good job? I like that he wants all of those things. I respect that. But it seems like there is no room for me at all.

I just take up space in his life. I am just a temporary space-filler. His life is about his classes and his eventual career. I am just someone in the background.

Circles

I saw K, brought her cupcakes and flowers. He and I read for a bit in my apartment. Now I am reading here by myself.

I still accept this situation, but I am backsliding a little bit in terms of my emotional state. The one word that sums up how I am feeling? Disappointed. Why can't I fall in love with someone who wants to be with me? First D, and now him. Remarkably similar stories. I fall in love, they claim to love me too, the timing is bad, I want to find a way to make it work anyways, they want to let it go. And just like D, he will meet someone else soon after we part ways who he is willing to commit to. I don't think that I buy his "I feel the same way about you as you do about me" line. If he did, the August end date would be a bigger issue for him. I have accepted the fact that this has to end, but I don't appreciate his little "but I actually do love you" charade.

He also has a bad case of "selfish." About everything. We always eat at my house, leaving me the clean-up. He wants to take breaks from work when he wants to, never when I do. And sex... yeah... only when he suggests it. It seems like he is never in the mood when I try to initiate it. Everything happens on his terms. He will do things that I want to do, if I twist his arm enough. And I hate doing that. I hate feeling like I am being demanding. I have started to assert myself more. I am trying. I will tell him that he needs to help with the dishes, or that he needs to go to the store and buy dinner, or that I will go rent the movies if he promises to return them.

So, basically, I have accepted the fact that this thing has to end in August, but I still have issues with the way our relationship works. I know that I need to tell him when things are bothering me, and actually work with him to fix them. I will start doing that more. But in the back of my mind, there is always a little voice saying, "what is the point in working to make this relationship better?--he is not in it for the long haul." Maybe that is what he figures too.

It seems like I am slipping into self-pity mode. I need to remind myself that I am in this "relationship" by choice. That I am in control of my own actions. That if I don't like how this relationship works, or the fact that he is okay with it ending in August, I need to get out of it, rather than continuously obsessing over it and complaining about it (when I should be doing homework). This occupies far too much of my time. I know that I am being irrational. I have known it for a very long time. But this has been going on for so long now (almost a year--wow), that I don't know how to give it up. And regardless of how much I complain about this and about him, I cannot help the fact that I love him. There is so much about him that I love. It may seem like it is all bad (I guess that is what happens when I only write when I am in bad moods), but it isn't. There are so many moments with him that I would not want to give up. I just hate knowing that it is going to end. I wish I didn't know. It makes me angry, and cranky. It makes me snap at him at least twice a week. I don't like the way this situation makes me feel and act sometimes.

And meeting his parents (and his sister)... We are spending Friday evening to Monday morning with them. What must they think of me? They know that him and I are "friends with benefits." They probably also know that that is what he wants, rather than what I want. They must think that I am a gullible, weak slut. But I guess it doesn't matter what they think of me. This will probably be the only time I ever see them. Although... confession... a small part of me thinks that if they really really like me, he will change his mind and want to be with me. I know that it won't happen, but it is a nice little fantasy that I have in the back of my mind while I fall asleep at night. Parents' opinions of significant others can be pretty important. A small, unrealistic, part of me thinks that if I make a great impression, his barriers will crumble, and he will open himself up to the possibility of US. I know that that is not a healthy fantasy. False hope is never good in these situations. I guess I just need to get the squashing of said fantasy done and over with. Five days away.

Maybe I will watch Desperate Housewives tonight while I eat my breakfast. I usually watch it online sometime later in the week, since Sunday's are usually "catch up on reading" days. But maybe I need the mindless entertainment tonight. We'll see.

Back to Normal

When he woke up, I told him what I had to say and we didn't really talk about it at all after that. I think he was anxious to have everything back to normal. Instead of working, we spent the day watching movies. I am going to go on the trip with him next weekend. I think that I really have accepted the expiration date that this "relationship" has. For now at least.

Yesterday was K's birthday. I tried knocking on her door a few times, but I think she went downtown to visit a friend. I feel bad, because I did not see much of her on the booze cruise, and I think she went out after the cruise. I was kind of seasick and tired, but I had intended to go out to bars and clubs with her on Friday. I feel bad that I didn't go. I haven't known her that long, but I feel like I should do something. I think I will buy her some flowers and a cake and bring them down to her apartment today.

Speaking of flowers... he brought me some yesterday. I guess he feels bad about our talk on Friday night. It seems to be the only reason that he ever brings me flowers. They are nice. And it was nice of him to do that. But, for some reason, I wish he wouldn't.

A lot of reading to get done today, since I have done NOTHING since Wednesday. I don't know where my work ethic went. First priority--to the store to get stuff for K, and ingredients to make breakfast for dinner. Pancakes, bacon, eggs, biscuits and gravy.... I love breakfast, but there is never time to make it in the morning. Breakfast for dinner makes me happy. That will be the carrot on the stick for me today. I have to get reading done if I want breakfast tonight.

Turning a Corner

I feel much calmer than I did earlier. It sounds kind of silly, but I feel like I have been going through a grief cycle: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. I think that I may have finally hit acceptance. Part of loving someone is accepting and supporting what they want and need. He needs to part ways in August. I can't force him to want what I want. I wouldn't want to. I need to accept what he wants and support him. It is not fair for me to have confrontations with him about this so often. It is time to stop fighting it. I need to support him in what he needs to do.

I have told him everything that I needed to tell him. I have left nothing unsaid. There is no need to talk about it any longer.

I want him to be happy. That means losing him. Letting him go when the summer ends. It will be hard, but it is the right thing to do.

In a little while, when I am sure that he is awake, I will go tell him all of this. I know that I will cry. It is the last thing that I need to tell him. Then I will just enjoy the time that we have left.

Shit Hits the Fan (Again)

After I posted last night things went from bad to worse. He came over here. The pizza came. We ate and watched TV. He noticed that I was being quiet and suggested I go to bed. I told him I wasn't tired. He figured out the HE was the reason I was being quiet, and left pretty suddenly. I went over to his apartment to talk it out.

Everything that I may have been holding back in the first conversation came out. I told him that it has already hit me that we only have a couple of months left, and that I realize things don't hit him until they happen, but that I am already sad. I told him that it made me mad that he didn't even THINK about how I might fit into his life after this. He said that he cares about me just as much as I care about him, but that he is not ready for that (I guess that kind of commitment). I told him that after this summer, I just want to be where he is. He said he will be moving around a lot, and that maybe things would work out in the future. Once we had exhausted ourselves, and there was nothing left to say, I left. I went to sleep wondering if in the morning, completely sober, I would regret the conversation. I don't.

I'm not really angry at him. I don't know what I feel. I feel trapped. I wish there was somewhere I could go to get away from this. I am sure that he will not knock on my door at all today, with the idea of giving me space. I feel like I can't be in this building. I don't want to be able to hear his door open and close. I don't want to hear his toilet flush, or his fridge clunk (I can hear both through the wall). I don't want to know if he is home or out. Even without seeing him, that is too close.

He said that I don't have to go on the trip next weekend if I don't want to anymore. I don't know yet. I don't know how much last night changed for me, or for him. I don't know what this means for us. I don't know if I can continue spending all of my time with someone who I know I am going to lose in August--and someone who is willing to lose me without even a second thought. Maybe this isn't enough for me anymore. Maybe to be fair to both of us, I should end this.

I am so tired, but I woke up and couldn't get back to sleep. I have plenty of reading to do today. I don't know what to do anymore.

Boozed and Cruised

Earlier than I intended to be back, but I am tired. It was a good night, overall. I got a little seasick. I guess that is a risk of going out on a boat. I also got a little pissed at him. He introduced himself to a guy that I have a lot of classes with, but who does not know him at all. Embarrassing. Now this guy is going to think that I talk about him all the time or something. But worse than that, he introduced me to a guy he knows, but I don't, as his "girlfriend." I called him out on it while we were walking home. I said, "You can't just call me your girlfriend when it is convenient for you." Seriously. It makes me angry. I am probably overreacting, but it is unacceptable. I can't just be his "girlfriend" when it is convenient for him to call me that.

I am a little drunk. We ordered pizza. He is in his apartment. I told him that I was going home to change clothes. I am hungry, so I want the pizza, but quite frankly, I am kind of pissed at him. He is talking a lot more about what he is going to do after this summer--about places (states) that he might look for jobs. It makes me sad. He has no place for me in his future. I am an afterthought--and not even that--I am not a thought at all. His future has no room for me. I am just a distraction for him in the present. Soon I will be in his past.

Booze Cruise Day

Yesterday, I did absolutely no homework (I am awesome), and went shopping downtown instead. I got a dress (way, way on sale) and earring for the booze cruise tonight! When I was on my way home from downtown, he called me and asked if I wanted to meet up with him at our neighborhood bar. I did, and it was fine. Everything seems to be back to normal. As promised, he is not acting strange around me. So I guess that is that for now.

I am pretty excited about tonight! I am going to spend the day cleaning my apartment, running errands, and then getting ready. K and one of my movie friends are coming here before the cruise to have a drink and finish getting ready. Then us three girls and him are going to catch the bus that our school rented to bring us to the boat downtown. Free food, free booze, free music. It should be a fun night. It is K's birthday tomorrow, so we may all go out after the cruise as well (it only goes to 11:30). We will see how we all feel.

I am just going to enjoy today/tonight and not worry about my classes or anything that has been bothering me. A night out on the town is just what I need.

Mission Accomplished

I told him everything. I told him that I am in love with him and that if it was up to me I would try to fight for this. I told him how it bothers me that he is so willing to throw this away. I didn't say that I would move for him after this summer, but I may have implied it (it seemed like too much to spill out in one sitting). I got a lot off of my chest. His reaction was... more of a non-reaction. He already knew most of what I was finally putting into words. I told him that I don't want our situation to change (at least not for the worse) and he said he didn't either. We went to sleep shortly after the conversation. I don't know yet if he is acting strange. He claims that he won't. I am glad that I said it all, but I really hope he will act normal around me.

So that is that. I poured my heart out. There is nothing else I can do. He heard everything that I have to say and is still content with things the way they are. And I guess that is okay. I want him to be happy. Before the conversation, I told him that I was upset about our situation sometimes, and about the fact that the year will end soon. He said that it bothers him too, but that things don't hit him until they happen. By then it will be too late. But I can't make decisions for him. If he wants to be rational, and keep a wall up, that is his deal. I can tell him that I think it is a mistake until I am blue in the face. In reality, it is his mistake to make.

I feel relieved, but also a little embarrassed and dejected. I am sure that in the long run I will be happy that I told him rather than constantly holding back. I don't want to see him today--not because I am mad--it is hard to explain why... I feel that he takes my presence for granted. Not completely or on purpose, but it still bothers me. He expects all of the perks of a relationship with none of the long-term commitment. I don't know if I can give him that to him all the time anymore. I feel a little deflated and cold. Keeping all of that in for so long has been hard. Now that it is out, I feel a release, but also an emptiness. There is nothing left for me to say or do. I played my last card. But at least I know that there is no way this is going past August. Now I can build my walls and prepare for the worst.

A Little Better

My bad mood has passed (or is passing). Really, all of these rantings are just examples of my bitterness over this situation that him and I have. And I know that I have no right to be bitter. I knew what I was signing up for. I also know that if I have such a huge problem with it, I should end the situation and move on with my life. I clearly don't want to do that. So, I will have to continue my endless bitching on here--but, hey, what are blogs for?

On the upside, after today my week gets much easier. I have one class tomorrow, and I have already decided that I will not be doing anything on Friday (booze cruise day)! I love setting aside a lazy day in advance. It allows me to actually enjoy my laziness, rather than feeling guilty. I will try to be productive today and tomorrow in preparation--although, I never really work past 9PM.

See, I really have to have my evening TV fix. And I watch mostly terrible shows (with some exceptions). My must-sees this year: Rock of Love 2 (finished: Ambre was the right choice--good job Bret), Flavor of Love 3 (almost finished: he'd better pick Thing 2), The Bachelor (finished: wrong choice--Shayne? Really??), Top Chef, Medium, Ugly Betty, Desperate Housewives, The Hills (I can't believe I just admitted that, even anonymously. Don't judge me), and The Bachelorette (starting next Monday). Not much quality in there. The Medium, Ugly Betty, and Desperate Housewives are good shows, and Top Chef is a classier reality show, but the rest are pretty awful. I also watch a whole host of other awful shows when none of these happen to be on, and I have already watched any new episodes I missed online (damn you, online television). Other awful picks include Gene Simmins Family Jewels, and Girls Next Door. You get the point.

Sometimes I feel guilty for watching such horrible television. But then I realize that I am in graduate school and need the mental release that absolute crap gives me. It is hard to watch anything substantial after a long day of thinking, reading, and analyzing. And it is definitely not just graduate students that can benefit from bad television. I think that anyone who is stressed out should give it a shot (which reminds me, I also sometimes watch A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila). So my message to you: give crap a chance. It is more entertaining than you think it is.

Last night, I told him that I keep a blog. I made him promise never to ask to see it, ask me how/where to find it, or bother me about it. I told him because he asked what I was doing online. I happened to be blogging, and I decided to be honest. He knows that I used to keep a paper diary (now replaced by this), so it didn't seem like a big deal to tell him that I keep a blog. For me, what I write here is not very different from what I used to write in my diary.

Time to get ready for class and cram some more reading in. I finished my paper for class today, but predictably did not finish the book. I still have some time before I have to leave. I will read a bit more. By 3PM today, I will be done with the worst of my week--and Top Chef is on tonight, so I have something to look forward to.

Here We Go Again

It seems like every time I start to perk up, something happens to bring me back down. It is probably my own fault. Here is what happened this time:

He came back from class and was talking to me about a midterm that he got back today. He said that his professor disagreed with some of the theory that he used. I suggested that he go in and talk to his professor, and maybe have a friendly academic debate about theory. He said something like, "I will go in and tell him that my girlfriend told me to debate him." I froze up. I know that I am not his girlfriend. And he knows that. We have had that discussion. In reality, he would not be able to explain to his professor what my relationship to him actually is, so he would either have to say, "friend," "girlfriend," or "neighbor." I don't know why he chose "girlfriend" in that particular (hypothetical) situation, but it bothered me. I don't think he knows how much what he says can affect me. It hurt, because it reminded me that I am not his girlfriend. In the same way that thinking about meeting his parents on our trip next weekend reminds me of that. How will he introduce me to random people that we meet (other than his parents)? We will be going to a few events where people will know his father, but not him. He will probably have to introduce me to people. What will he call me? I don't want him to call me his "girlfriend" because it happens to be awkward to call me something else in a given situation. If he wants me to have that title, it cannot just be when it is convenient for him. Either I am his girlfriend, or I am not.

He has also been super affectionate with me since I got back from my trip. Oddly affectionate. I think that he missed having me around. But I keep hoping that it means that something has changed in how he feels about me. That he suddenly wants more. I know that it is probably not true, but I can't help hoping a little bit. I like it when he is affectionate. I just can't figure out why it has gone up a notch all of a sudden. Counter intuitively, all of the added attention makes me want to distance myself from him. I think he can tell too. It is just hard for me to accept all of his affection and attention knowing that, for him, what we have is just a temporary pseudo-relationship. The nature of our "relationship" makes me question every action, every compliment, every moment that we spend together. The fact that he is willing to give me up at the end of the year cheapens it all for me. What does he want? Why does he act like he cares so much, if he is not going to fight for me/us/this? I just get more and more confused every day.

Busy Day

I need to buckle down today. I have a paper due tomorrow and I am supposed to have an entire book read for tomorrow's class. I haven't started the book, and I've barely started the paper. Both the book and the paper are for the professor who was on the trip with my class this past weekend. I think that he has slightly unrealistic expectations of what the class will be able to get done in two days. I guess the paper is more important, because I am being graded on it. As soon as I get back from my class today, I will be doing homework straight through the afternoon and evening.

I guess I feel a little better this morning. He can always tell when I am upset, so I tried to downplay it last night when I saw him again. I don't want to keep picking at the same issues. We have had conversations about this before--about how the end of the year is going to hurt, about how I have always wanted more out of this than he has, and about how he constantly holds back a little in this "relationship" so as not to grow too attached. The only thing that hasn't come into the conversation is the fact that I love him. So much. But I know that he knows. That conversation we had downtown a few weeks ago should have been enough to tell him, if he wasn't already aware of it. Of course, we have pretended like that conversation never happened. I don't know when I will be ready to talk about it. I know that if I tell him, I run the risk of everything ending. I don't know if I am ready for that possibility.

I guess I have to get my butt in gear. Shower, class, work, work, work. At least I have the booze cruise at the end of this week! Something to look forward to.

Back Down

I'm feeling a little blue. Most of the time, I am very open and affectionate with him. It feels great, and natural, because I love him. It is wonderful to express that to him (even if I never do it with words). But sometimes--like now--I don't want to touch him, or smile at him, or even be in the same room as him.

Tonight, him and I watched the Bachelor finale (yes, I know--terrible TV is addictive). Before it ended, both women were talking about how much they felt for Matt (the Bachelor), but they were also saying that the possibility of losing him made it difficult for them to fully express their feelings to him. Watching them go through that, I could completely feel their pain. But, the difference is, that I KNOW I am going to lose the man that I love. He is not in this for keeps. Both of the women on the Bachelor had the chance of getting a commitment out of the man they loved. I don't even have that. I know that that is a strange comparison to make, but that is what set off my current mood.

I am also becoming a little wary of going on this trip with him. It will be strange to meet his family. He asked if I was nervous. I am a little nervous, but not as nervous as I would be if I was meeting my BOYFRIEND's parents. More than anything, meeting them is just one more reminder that I am not his and he is not mine. There is nothing at stake with this meeting, because we are not dating and there is no potential for longterm commitment. I wish that I had more to be nervous about.

Home Again

I got back last night around 8. He said that he missed me and was happy to see me. It was nice to see him. I feel like I was gone for a long time, even though it was only a weekend. The trip was really nice, but exhausting. I don't think that we stopped moving from Thursday afternoon until to last night when we got home.

This coming weekend is our graduate program's booze cruise. Next weekend I am going on a little road trip with him. His parents and sister will all be at our destination, which should be interesting. Meeting the family of a guy that I am not actually dating. His parents know all about the situation (mine do not). Strange.

I will have a lot of work to get done during this week and next week, considering all of my upcoming weekend plans. Time to buckle down.

As for telling him how I feel... I am not sure when/if that is going to happen. Being away for a weekend gave me a little perspective. I feel much less frantic about this whole situation. It is not the only thing on my mind anymore. I still feel the same way about him, but I feel better able to accept and control it. For now, I will concentrate on the massive amounts of work I have to do. I know that I will continue to see him every day. Things will stay the same for now. I will try to figure out what I want.

Road Trippin'

Well, I didn't tell him anything last night. There really wasn't a good opportunity. There wasn't time to have a long, drawn-out conversation (even though it wouldn't necessarily have been long and drawn-out). I will wait until the time feels right.

He kept telling me how much he is going to miss me this weekend. Which was nice to hear. At one point, I felt like he was saying it for my benefit, rather than because he actually meant it, but I believe that he will miss me. And I will miss him.

So now, I have a few hours to finish packing, then it's off for a nice 9-11 hour car ride. I am looking forward to this weekend, but I am also nervous. I am always a little nervous when I travel, but this is harder than traveling with family or friends. We are a bunch of classmates (who don't know each other well) and a professor, all at each other's mercy in terms of bathroom breaks in the car, quiet at bedtime, coordinating showers in the morning, etc. The girl I am rooming with in the hotel is an acquaintance. We asked to room together. I like her, and I am sure she doesn't have any strange living habits... but you never can tell. But really, it is the long car ride that I am dreading the most. I will try not to worry about it. Take it as it comes. I am excited about the trip itself. It is right up my alley academically, and I will have the chance to meet some famous figures in my field. It will be a once in a lifetime opportunity. I want to make the most of it.

Off to finish getting ready. Goodbye until Monday!

One More Day

I leave for my trip tomorrow. After class today, I just run errands, do laundry, clean my apartment, and pack. I always get a bit nervous about trips--especially if I am not the one in control. An 9 hour car ride is pretty long. But more than nervous, I am excited. For this particular trip, but also because I get to get out of this city for the first time since Christmas!

Next weekend, my graduate program is having a "booze cruise." That should also be fun. Of course, he will be going to it too. It is always weird being out in public with him. He has become more affectionate in public than he used to be, but he still acts different when we are around other people from our program (aside from my/his/our friends). Around strangers, he is fine. Although, to be fair, our graduate program hasn't had very many social events--so I am not basing that on very much evidence.

I am thinking about telling him how I feel tonight. Like I said, the night before a four day trip seems like a pretty good time to spill my guts. But I also know that he has a big class debate tomorrow that he needs to prepare for. Which mean he will be frantically reading and making outlines all evening. So it is a good time to talk in terms of MY schedule, but not his. I think if I don't do it tonight, I will chicken out. I guess I will play it by ear.

Last night, he slept at his own apartment and I slept at mine. He had to get up early this morning. It didn't bother me--until he was gone. Then I started thinking about the fact that now that his computer is back, he is much less concerned about sleeping here. I have been sleeping at his apartment, but not because he asks me to. It just happens that way. Would he care if I left every night? I don't know. I haven't given myself the chance to find out.

I guess it is a typical day. I am being hypersensitive, and I don't have all my work done for class. I guess it is time to shower and really start my day.

Good and Bad

My meeting with my advisor went well. As usual, I was worried over nothing. I have until August to work on my MA thesis, and he gave me a lot of interesting ideas about how to approach it.

I have been reading all afternoon. I took my online quiz, so that is out of my hair. I should probably do at least some of my reading for my class tomorrow, even though I am mentally wiped.

I have been reading over at his apartment. He asked if I wanted to, and it helps me work to be around someone else who is also working. It was fine, but he is stressed out today and not in the best mood. When I suggested taking a break from reading and... you know... he didn't want to. Again, I feel rejected. I know that it is not reasonable to expect him to want to do that when he is stressed out, but I didn't see him all weekend and I am leaving on Thursday for my class trip. Plus, he seems to have no trouble taking care of himself (as evidenced by an entry below). It makes me feel so undesirable. He asked if I was angry, and I told him what I wrote here. I could tell that it made him feel bad. I really wasn't trying to guilt-trip him. The rejection just stung a little. Deep down, I know that he finds me attractive, etc, but it still hurts. Why has he been in the mood to do things on his own, but not with me? Again, I feel like I don't matter to him nearly as much as his academics. I guess I just have to accept that.

The Dreaded Day

Today, I have to meet with my advisor. After my class sometime. NOOOOO! I have been dreading this. I guess at least it will be over by the end of the day. And I am running behind this morning. I'd better shower and get ready to go...

Screwing Myself

Why am I not reading? Why is it that the more I have to do the less I actually accomplish? I went out to dinner with a friend. Watched some TV. Now I am here. Where did my motivation go? It is getting worse and worse each day.

Rejected

Not really, but that is how it feels when I knocked on his door a few minutes ago to find him doing... himself. Yes, again. I must have some sort of radar. Seriously though, I live next door. Don't guys usually prefer the real thing to doing it themselves? Needless to say, I told him that I would come back later. He came over to my apartment a few minutes later. So I asked the obvious question: Why didn't he ask me to join him? He said that it was "just a quick thing" before he got in the shower. Okay, I can understand the need for speed, especially since he is facing a deadline on an assignment for class. I know that I have no reason to take it personally. But despite my rational side, I still do take it a little personally. Has he grown bored with me physically?

This feeling will pass. I think it is all just centered around the larger insecurities I have about where I stand with him. I know that I am being incredibly silly.

I might have to spill some of what I write here to him soon. I am starting to feel like I am carrying around some huge emotional weight on my shoulders. Maybe it is better to tell him how I feel about him and risk a bad response. I have been thinking about talking to him just before I leave for my class trip. That way, we will both have a few days to chew on it after it is all out in the open. Or I could just give him the link to this blog... ha.

I am meeting with my MA advisor tomorrow afternoon. Ick. On the upside, I don't have to take my reading quiz until sometime before midnight Wednesday. That gives me more time to finish the reading.

My brother called me. He is getting a cat. I am jealous. I miss having a pet. I will get one as soon as I am settled in one place. Whenever, and wherever, that is.

Back to reading. Just had to let my irrational response out here, to prevent myself from letting it out in front of him. Thank goodness for blogging.

More

I thought that I got it out of my system. Nope. More ranting to do.

I have no idea what I am doing after this summer. NO idea. I have always been a planner. It scares the crap out of me that I don't know what I will be doing next year, or where I will be doing it. My Mom keeps asking me about it. Not to purposely add to my anxiety--but that is the result. I think I am literally making myself sick over all of this: him, the MA thesis, the future. Last night I had the WORST stomach ache. It was hard to even sleep. I feel like I have a headache half of the time now. Why did I think that it was a good idea to go to graduate school straight from undergrad? As for applying to PhD programs next year--I just don't know if I am cut out for it.

I am afraid that my parents will be disappointed. From the age of... 12?... I have been telling them that I want to get a doctorate in history (obviously, I was a very cool kid), and now I feel like I have been charging down that path ever since, without much thought. I enjoy my classes. I even enjoy writing the papers at times. But the pressure of publishing, teaching, giving papers at conferences? I don't think I can do it. This is who I have been for so long, that I really don't know what else to be. I feel like it is too late to pursue other interests. My other interests all feel rather juvenile anyways. I love movies--I would love to do something with movies. But I don't know how. I love cooking. But I don't know how to do what it takes to make that work. All I know is history. I have worked hard at it for years now. I don't know how to be anything else.
A lot of the time, I feel like I would actually be happiest as a wife and stay-at-home mom. I never thought I would want that. It almost feels like a betrayal to want that. My mother and father both worked full time when my brother and I were young. I know that it was largely out of necessity, but I also think that it is a point of pride--for my mother in particular--that they were able to balance family and work. She always felt judged by the stay-at-home moms in our neighborhood. When it comes down to it, I know that my parents just want me to be happy. I just don't know how to get to a place where I will be happy.

I wish that this was a two year program. It would give me more time to think. But the year is quickly coming to a close, and I have spent too much time NOT thinking about the future. I have not attended career seminars, or looked seriously for jobs. And that is my fault. I just feel stuck. I am scared. The only thing that I KNOW I want is him--and I am going to lose him. So nothing is certain in my future. I feel like I have already failed, but not putting forth the effort to figure things out. I just want to run away.

When I was a teenager, I used to write short stories a lot. Or beginnings of short stories--I usually did not finish them. I used to start the same story, over and over again. It was about me waking up in the middle of the night and leaving. Not taking anything with me. Just disappearing to start fresh somewhere without telling anyone where I was going. It was comforting. It is still a nice thought.

Monday Sucks

I ended up sleeping at his apartment last night. I told him that it hurt my feelings when he brushed me off like that (earlier when I knocked on his door) and I think he understands.

My MA thesis advisor emailed me this morning and asked if I wanted to meet to talk about progress on my paper. The thing is, there IS no progress on my paper. I originally told him that I wanted to have it done by the end of June, and he offered that I could work on it until August if we talked about doing that in advance. But I haven't talked to him at all about it since. I am so scared to talk to him. What if he says: "No, I can't push it back into August anymore, have it to me by the end of June"? I guess it would be better to know that now. I guess I should set up a time with him for during his office hours tomorrow.

I have class (with the MA advisor), and then I have to read the rest of the day for an online quiz (which i have to take by midnight). This Monday has started out badly. I don't like it. Maybe it will turn around.

One of Those Days

Yep, here I am again. I feel low. My homework has been going... slow. I can't focus and my brain is tired.

I knocked on his door earlier to take a two minute break, and he barely looked up from his computer. I asked him how his work was going and got a one or two word response. I wouldn't have distracted him for long, but he could have at least shown me the courtesy of stopping for a minute and asking how MY work was going. It made me feel invisible. I was mad at first. I didn't show him. My anger changed into a feeling of disappointment. Disappointment that he disregarded me again. I do not knock on his door constantly. I only knocked that one time today. I guess even that was too much.

I know that I should keep reading, but I literally cannot get my eyes to focus on the words. I can only read for so long. Tomorrow is not going to be a fun day for me, thanks to my lack of motivation all weekend. I don't think I really care though. My mental exhaustion is starting to feel like physical exhaustion too.

I almost feel blank at the moment. Like I don't even have anything to say HERE. I am growing tired of my own complaints. I am sure that I will feel better in the morning. That seems to be how things work. Which reminds me--I should never have a serious conversation at night again. Nighttime makes things seem different--more dramatic. From now on: only serious conversations during the day. I just have to remember that.

What is Love

Instead of doing my homework, I have been thinking about--what else?--love. And that got me to thinking about WHY I was thinking about love instead of working. Why it seems that that is all I have been thinking about lately.

I remembered something that I either saw on TV or read somewhere awhile back. Since I can't remember where I got this information, I don't know if it is valid, but it makes me feel like less of a freak, so I am going with it. I remember seeing or reading something that claimed that women have a stronger "love" reaction than men, particularly in the way this reaction is tied to sex. There was something about the fact that once women cross the threshold into "love" (this crossing often tied to sexual intimacy) they become fixated and distracted, to the point where they may not be able to focus on other aspects of their life.

I think that this little tidbit stuck with me because it hits so close to home. Wherever I read/heard this, attributed this reaction to chemicals. A completely involuntary reaction of chemicals in the brain. Men and women have different brain chemistry, and therefore have different reactions to "love."

This is a very convenient theory for me. Maybe too convenient. Is this just a way for the love-obsessed to make excuses for themselves? Or can I really not help the fact that I am on here several times a day, pouring out all of my hopes and fears relating to my "love life."

As much as I want this chemistry explanation to be valid, I know that I am accountable for my own actions. I know that I have more control over my life than I feel like I do. I also know that he would think I was INSANE if he ever found out about this blog. But really, this blog is just like any diary. You can't read a diary and expect it to accurately reflect a person's life. It is always skewed, at least for me, by the fact that I only write about what bothers me, or scares me, or worries me. I tend not to write about things that are stable, and that I already have figured out. Diaries, and now this blog, are places for me to work through things that I am having trouble with.

I am completely petrified that if he ever found this, he would think that I do nothing but obsess about him all day. The situation with him does occupy more of my brain power than it should. It does distract me from things that I should be focusing on. It is very, very important to me. But it is not the only thing in my life. It is just the thing that troubles me the most. I am struggling with it. I don't know what I should do in this situation anymore. I don't know how much I should tell him, and how much I should keep to myself. I know that people say that honesty is always best, but it is so scary to be honest about love.

So LOVE is the thing that I NEED to write about. I have nowhere else to let it out. I don't feel like I can be completely honest with anyone about this situation and have them actually understand where I am coming from. THIS is the only place I can be honest. So even if it makes me seem crazy, I need this space to air out my emotions.

Well

He came in and apologized. He said that he woke up on the wrong side of the bed. I said it was no big deal. I guess it is time to shower and read.

Oh, Whatever

We woke up this morning around 11:30, and he immediately rolled out of bed and headed to the door (without a word). I told him to wait a minute, and asked where he was going. He said, in a very testy tone, that he had to go work on his midterm and that he only has two days to do it. That pissed me off. Not that he left. Not that he had work to do. I completely understand that. But the tone that he took with me was entirely unnecessary. Here is how he could have handled the situation:

It is 11:30. He wakes up, turns to me, says (in a normal tone), "I have to go work on my midterm now." I say, "Okay, I should probably get some work done too." He walks out. Everyone is happy.

I understand that he is stressed out. I am too. And I may have been a little bit whiny last night when he started to fall asleep during the movie (okay, I was a lot whiny). I haven't seen him very much for three days. I've missed him. He doesn't have to take his stress out on me. I didn't need him to stay here for more than two minutes this morning. But of course, in the contest of academics v. me, academics always wins. And I'm not saying that it shouldn't win. I just don't think it takes much to not be rude. He could have even left almost exactly like he did and just not copped the attitude with me when I asked where he was going. A simple, calm answer would have been nice. I feel like there is always some sort of lack of respect toward me in half of the things he does. When he says one thing and does another, when he doesn't call if we have "plans" and they change, when he leaves heaps of dirty dishes in my sink, when he talks to me like he did this morning....

I won't be knocking on his door today. I wouldn't want to further incur the wrath of the midterm monster. Plus, I need to cool off. I don't feel like picking a fight with him today. I have reading to do anyways. Out-of-state class trip in five days (counting today). I need the time away. It will be good to get some distance and to think about all of this. It will probably be good for him too.

The End

I was wrong. He came home at 6. I was so happy to see him. I guess I wasn't so dumb to hold on to that little bit of hope that he would actually do what he said. We spent the whole evening together. He is asleep in my bed now. He fell asleep halfway through a movie.

He said that it was just awkward with the ex. That he tried to be friendly, but she did not seem to want to talk to him. I feel bad that she treated him like that. I know that I should be relieved that my worst fears didn't come true, but I did not want to see him hurt either. Although, he didn't seem hurt. But even if he did, he may not tell me, given the circumstances. I hope that he really is okay, and isn't just trying to spare me a conversation about her. I really would listen if he wanted to talk about how she acted toward him at the conference.

Earlier tonight we were... you know... and I looked him straight in the eyes. He said, "I must care about you, because those eyes get me." I swear that I saw love in his eyes. Really. But I guess I can't read too much into a look.

He talked to his mother on the phone when I was at his apartment earlier. He told her how well the conference had gone, and how good he felt about his academic future. Every time he talks about his prospects for getting into a PhD program, I feel so sad. For two reasons. First, it makes me think about the future, and how he will probably not be part of mine (although I want him to be so, so badly). And second, the fact that he talks with such hope and passion about what he wants academically stings, because I want him to talk about me with the same passion. I want him to want me in his life (REALLY in his life--not just "keeping in touch") past August. I want him to want me as much as he wants to succeed academically.

The truth is, I don't really care where I am next year academically, professionally, or geographically. What matters to me is him. I need to find a way to tell him that without scaring him. I might regret it if I don't try.